Garrett’s Grumblings -Ten Movies That Have Not Aged Well
After spending last week taking a brief sabbatical from talking about film in order to spew some words about sports, this week I am back in full on movie analyzing mode. But instead of talking about something wrong with modern age film, this week I wanted to take a look at movies that I loved as a kid, but when I try rewatching them as an adult, I find myself cringing with douche chills. Some of these are childhood favorites. A few are from the 90s. But what all the films have in common is that if they were just slightly better written, they would have aged much better. I am sure a few of these are still popular. So if I name a favorite of yours, I am sorry. Wait, no I’m not. It’s my column.
Anyway, without further ado, here we go.
10) Short Circuit (1986)
E.T. The Robot. A novel idea back in the 80s. As a child, I ate this film up. At eight years old, I thought The Gutt was terrifically likable, Fisher Stevens was hilarious, and Ally Sheedy…was an amazingly out of place love interest. Nonetheless, the jokes flowed freely, and Johnny 5’s speed reading technique was one of my main early life aspirations. However I watched it again a few years ago and was amazed to see how much of a caricature Indian Stevens plays, and how horridly bad some of its sentimentality comes off. Earlier this year, the film came back in people’s minds, as trailers for Neil Blomkamp’s Chappie reminded people of the little robot who claimed to be alive. However, as badly as Short Circuit has aged, dare I say it looks better now than Blomkamp’s film will seem 20 years from now.
9) Monster Squad (1987)
Boy was this movie a staple of my childhood. An early Shane Black (Lethal Weapon) script made for teens, I found it easy to find myself immensely entertained by a story that brings back all the Universal monsters -or at least versions of them- for the modern (80s) times. But unlike Stand By Me, of which the dialogue and situations the kids get into are timeless, the kids in Monster Squad are harder to be entertained by and identify with. Dialogue is spewed by these brats in ways that were hip then, but fall on deaf ears now. As a pre-teen, I wanted to be Sean. Now, I want to punch him. At least once every few years rumors arise that plans for a remake are in place. Until a trailer surfaces, I would take these rumors with the mildest grains of salt.
8) Mortal Kombat (1995)
Forget the fact that Paul WS Anderson almost single handedly ruined one of my favorite franchises of all time (Alien). People hold this mid 90s romp as not only one of his best films, but also one of the best video game adaptations of all time. Watch it again folks. It’s not. “Those glasses were $500 you asshole” is a piece of dialogue uttered in the film. Given this, I find no mystery surrounding how bad Alien vs Predator turned out. It is amazing to me that a man of Anderson’s stature not only has two of the most overrated movies ever on his resume (Kombat and Event Horizon), he also bangs Milla Jovovich AND has directed some of the most hated films of all time. At least the man gets assholes like me talking, which is more than Uwe Boll can claim.
7) The Lost Boys (1987)
The Lost Boys came at a time when vampires had just experienced a mild comeback two years before with the still amazing Fright Night, and right at the height of the slasher genre. In that way, the movie was a breath of fresh air. Watching it now, with the knowledge of where Joel Schumacher’s career would take him, The Lost Boys is painfully dated. Look at the hair styles. The acting of the younger actors not named Haim. And of course, who could forget the placement of that horrid trumpet player. Not to mention the real star of the film, the Rob Lowe poster on Corey Haim’s closet door. Now Keifer Sutherland’s lead vampire does a nice job of casting an evil shadow of menace in a still holding up 80s aesthetic. But Jason Patric’s painfully underplaying of the older brother, not to mention Haim’s horrendous wardrobe, suffers under the weight of Schumacher’s hokey direction choices.
6) Willow (1988)
I’m as big a George Lucas supporter as the next guy. Hell, I defend his Star Wars prequels on an almost daily basis. But his choice for a follow-up to the always hideous Howard The Duck was the so-so received sword & sandal fantasy flick Willow. Yet even with its hokey over the top plot and dialogue, I see A LOT of love for Willow. In my mind, it doesn’t deserve it. Val Kilmer seems like he does not want to be there, and the pre-Peter Dinklage cast Warwick Davis cannot pull off what the role he plays calls for. I understand that the thesis of the film deals with heroism coming in all shapes and sizes. But I’d be damned if Davis does one thing to make me root for him as an adult. Again, as a kid, it was a different story. And don’t even get me started on how I now feel about the Brownies.
5) American Beauty (1999)
Seen as a ‘modern masterpiece’ at the time of its release, I have never seen American Beauty‘s appeal. The boys have dissected American Beauty‘s modern irrelevance many times on the BingeCast, so I am not going to regurgitate their points here. What I will give is my take on it. I feel that in a world dealing with many more problems than the simplicity that comes with the plot of a yuppie who likes to get high while going through a midlife crisis, American Beauty is even less watchable now than it was in 1999. Seeing Mena Suvari bathe in rose pedals is not as stunning a sight as it was at the time, and I have a hard time identifying with any of it. As a movie I have always seen as horrible, I salute you American Beauty for aging as well as, well, Mena Suvari.
4) Scarface (1983)
Ironic that I am including a remake on this list. But truth be told, Oliver Stone’s time stamped script dealing with 80s problems does not help its cause. Scarface is another movie I have never really liked, but many see as a classic. Take a look at its 80s aesthetic & soundtrack, over the top caricatures, and time stamped drug plot, and you will see that Scarface is a three hour waste of time written by a more than coked out Stone. Brian DePalma, a director whose early work I actually hold in very high regard, did his best to keep things grounded in some sort of realism with top notch camera work and shot choices. But the film is an out of control, 80s excess filled mess that has aged horribly.
3) The Lawnmower Man (1992)
I recently did an audio commentary on Super Marcey’s site for this movie and was blown away at just how dated it was. I mean, there was a time when virtual reality was seen as a threat to all mankind. Think about that for a second. Of course, The Lawnmower Man was a decent sized hit (fortunately for New Line, who were sued by author Stephen King for them having mangled his original story), so many clones followed. The existence of Hideaway, Virtuosity, Brainscan, and The Thirteenth Floor owe at least a bit of debt to The Lawnmower Man. But the storyline and more obviously its visual effects, date this film to no end. Maybe an eight page short story about a man who goes crazy and kills with a lawnmower was a bit too small to adapt. In which case I would ask director Brett Leonard why even try with a plot surrounding the ‘dangers’ of virtual reality, all while putting Jeff Fahey and Pierce Brosnan in Tron suits. It is a sight to behold, and a trip to the early 90s I do not recommend taking.
2) Blade (1998)
Funny to think that the first movie in a series is the one that has aged the worst. Though I would argue the third movie in this series was never any good to begin with. Anyway, Blade came at a time when Buffy the Vampire Slayer was chic, and vampires were just coming back into the limelight. It is quite obvious that Blade got greenlit based solely on Buffy‘s popularity. All that being said, the late 90s aesthetic and everything surrounding the film from nightclub settings to badly rendered CGI, do not hold up well at all. A movie permanently stamped in its original 1998 release date, Blade crumbles under its horrific David Goyer written dialogue and its main villain turning from an angst ridden brat to a final ‘blood monster’ who battles the title character. Gross.
1) The Goonies (1985)
First of all, I have to say that it pains me to include anything with Steven Spielberg’s name attached on this list. But The Goonies is a movie that most defines this list’s existence. As an asshole child, I LOVED this film. I found Mouth hilarious. I loved the back and forth with Chunk and Sloth about rocky road ice cream. As an adult, I watch these scenes, and the entire movie, and find myself cringing. Of course, The Goonies is a Spielberg penned story (with a final script written by a young Chris Columbus) about a set of kids going on a pirate fantasy. But horrifically poor villains the Fratellis, Mouth’s Purple Rain shirt, poorly put together dialogue, and the inclusion of Spielberg’s worst staples in its story (kids conquer all) have made this film go from a favorite as a child to a thumbs down as an adult. Its sloppily put together ending is painful, and though director Richard Donner (coincidentally a producer on The Lost Boys) has to be commended for reigning all these kids in, I for the life of me cannot conclude why so many people hold The Goonies in such high regard. If a sequel they have been (threatening) ever gets made, I think it will become even more painfully clear that after all these years, The Goonies are not in fact, ‘good enuff.’
Feel free to comment on which of my choices you find to be bullshit, and what you would replace them with.