With Moreno drinking himself to another pay stub, Valley, Ammon, and Law bring all their afflictions and booze to a drunken round-table discussion of everything from xXx to Darby O’Gill. I don’t even know what I just typed.
Here’s a timestamp for you to follow along. Or skip to the nudes scenes. Or whatever.
0:00:00-Shut up. Hit Play.
0:03:36-Smash. Law. As soon as they started man on man fucking I was just in. What? Bostonpalooza is this weekend! WHAAAAAAA?! Jack talks about meeting “The Boss.” Kareem Abdul Jabbar? Okay. What the hell has Valley done to himself? Besides jerking off into oblivion? Ammon should be on at some point. Basketball. Support Cradley Booper’s kickstater! Binge GameCast. Go review Binge Media on Itunes!! Ammon dropped the fucking ball on this is us.
0:40:34-TV ROUND UP. More This is Us shit, even though there’s no actual show to recap/review. The Bachelor wrapped up. This is Us circles around again. Falvey jizzes all over Legion, and Ammon is right there with them. Episode IV “revisited” Twin Peaks. 24: Legacy is still not bad. Law talks about Survivor. Who gives a shit? Workaholics has finished its run. Always Sunny Season 12 is done. Walking Dead is fucking garbage. Crashing. Girls. Where does Law stand on Billions? Big Little Lies. Twin Peaks.
1:26:33-MOVIE HOMEWORK: Trainspotting.
1:48:39-WHAT DID YOU WATCH? Valley begins with a revisit of Rogue One, and Kong: Skull Island. Law saw Logan. Ammon apparently wanted to watch movies with long ass titles-I Don’t Feel at Home in this World Anymore, Darby O’Gill and the Little People (leads to Leprechaun movie research), and XXX: The Return of Xander Cage.
2:34:00-GOOGLE VOICE.
Check out Facebook for Boston shit. Until then, go fuck yourselves.
It’s rare to get a show this epic so early in the year but it was bound to happen when we get Moreno, Ammon, and Law together for their annual Best Of lists. More importantly, the boys play a special version of The Garrett Collins Game in which they have to guess his Top Ten films of the year. It’s the greatest of all time.
The boys also have time for some Google Voice where the Search for Garrett’s bar continues, they get yelled at for saying “member berries” too much, the most impressive Movie Homework assignment ever done, and listening to Nate P. have a poor showing for his first call as a father.
TV Round-Up has Taboo, The Mick, The Affair, This Is Us, The Bachelor, Celebrity Apprentice, and Six Feet Under talk.
What Did you Watch Covers THE GIRL ON THE TRAIN, PATRIOTS DAY, MONSTER TRUCKS, THE LOBSTER, NEON DEMON, THE GREASY STRANGLER, ARSENAL, THE ACCOUNTANT.
There’s also 73 pee break sounders, what happened when Law’s kids watched JAWS for the first time, and estimates on how dehydrated Jack Valley is after smashing himself to sleep. Buckle up, it’s a long one.
The first offical BingeCast of the year is here and it’s packed full of stupid. The boys argue about football, plan get-togethers, and review a crapload of TV and film.
The Search for Garrett’s bar has begun as Lance and Art send in the first of, hopefully, many adventures as they look for the fictional Palace of Poon Slaying. The premiere episode finds them visiting a well know and notorious establishment.
TV Round-Up has talk of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, This is Us Crazyhead, that crazy Scientology show, and The Bachelor. Yup.
What Di You Watch is ridiculous as we take a look at THE SWEAT BOX, BATMAN: RETURN OF THE CAPED CRUSADERS, NOCTURNAL ANIMALS, DEEP WATER HORIZON, LA LA LAND, WAR DOGS, PETE’S DRAGON, THE NICE GUYS, THE GREASY STRANGLER, SAUSAGE PARTY, SING STREET, SING, TROLLS, INNER SPACE, ROGUE ONE, A NEW HOPE, and THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.
Things wind down with the 2017 preview as the boys grill each other on what films they’re most looking forward to in the coming months.
There is a scene in 1980’s The Empire Strikes Back which is one of many that brilliantly encapsulates all that is right with the entire Star Wars series. Luke has been rescued from a snow creature (or Wampa, for you assholes who need specificity), and word has spread that the Empire knows where they are. Princess Leia gives a motivating speech, sends the Rebel fighters on their way, and Luke himself is taking off for another fight against the Empire whose Death Star he’d destroyed the film before. However, these aren’t ships he’s fighting this time. We feel rumblings, and debris is falling on Artoo as he tries to roll to safety. What can be causing these riffs? One look through a Rebel’s binoculars answers the question, as huge, monstrous Imperial Walkers (or AT-ATs for you same assholes) are on their way to cause destruction. This is a brilliant set-up for what eventually becomes one of the series’ many classic moments. It is foreboding, and downright scary what these Rebels are going to be fighting against.
Now compare that scene with how the Walkers are introduced in the latest ‘Star Wars Story’ Rogue One. Rebels -or what would eventually become Rebels- are making their way through a forest laidened land. Trees are broken, and without any heed of warning, no more than 25 feet away, lie a set of the same exact Walkers. No warning. No set-up. Just a moment designed to make people cheer in their seat. In essence, an easy lay.
It is scenes like this which perfectly embodies my issues with the current crop of Star Wars movies Disney has ladened upon us. What’s more, is these are scenes I tried my damndest to defend from ever happening when Disney purchased Lucasfilm in 2012. Arguments were made that Disney would not know what they were dealing with. That Donald Duck would eventually be seen wielding a lightsaber. Well, while the latter has not happened yet, it is of my opinion that the former is happening before our eyes.
The build-up to 2015’s Episode VII: The Force Awakens was something I had not experienced at anytime in my life. Each and every trailer of that film was greeted with at least one tear from me. The specificity of which how JJ Abrams was treating the material with great care did a lot to back up my claims that the series was in good hands. For example, when rumors of the Millennium Falcon making an appearance in the movie were made viral, Abrams responded with denials of said rumors -with the note set firmly on the famous chess board from the Falcon.
However, when the film was finally released, I could not help but feel cheapened by what I’d seen. In essence, The Force Awakens feels like a highly expensive fan film. Sure, rumors of Han’s death had surfaced well before the film was seen. But watching that scene again last week, I cannot help but notice just how poorly staged it was. What should have been the emotional crux of the film felt like anything but. The bridge, Chewbacca from above, the long awkward pause before the slash to the gut. All of these things add up to a scene trying so hard to pull heart strings, but in essence losing all the organic feelings the previous six films had developed. No matter how bad The Force Awakens wanted to be A New Hope, it failed, and failed badly. And don’t even get me started on how awkward the scenes between Han and Leia are. People give Marion and Indy’s scenes in The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull a hard time. Watch the Han and Leia scenes again, and you will see that Abrams missed the boat even more when it came to getting two iconic characters back together.
I guess what I am getting at is everything with these new incarnations of Star Wars feel too manufactured on hindering on nostalgia to work as narratives. Each and every character in Rogue One feels torn out of the cliché manual one at a time, and people clamoring for Vader to be ‘bad ass’ got their wish -kind of. I’m sorry. That entire scene is clouded in the same smoky shit that people gave Lucas a hard time for in Yoda’s grandiose scene in Attack of the Clones. Why oh why, in a film which takes place mere weeks before Episode IV, is Vader Force choking rebels, throwing them against walls, and slicing through the hull that made its first appearance in 1977? Not to mention a line that makes Vader’s final scene in Revenge of the Sith look like Hamlet. This IS the same lumbering character we would see in the next episode -or is it half episode-or is it story? I just don’t know anymore. I guess Tarkin’s appearance would classify as bringing about an arc which leads to the next film. Yet each time that CGI monstrosity appeared onscreen, I was distracted by its blood shot eyes, and all the slickness that the real Peter Cushing was not. In fact, between him and Princess Leia’s declaration of hope that closes the film, I felt bad I did not have my PlayStation 4 controller near me. It seemed these computerized characters were telling me it was time to advance levels.
And that is the saddest part of all. Instead of these stories feeling like they organically belong in the Star Wars universe, things are being done just to show they can, without any thought being given if they should. I know I sound like Dr Ian Malcolm here, and hell, no one seems to care as this latest *cough* story *cough cough*, continues to be atop the box office for three weeks in a row as I write this. But the easy thrills these films generate are starting to wear on me, and the absence of any feeling as I walked out of both movies makes me think they just don’t get it.
Everybody has been busy giving their highlights of the year (except Kupka – what the fuck was that?) and the good thing about going last is that you get to cheat off everybody else and say “I liked that shit too.” But I’ll try not to do that because a) I’m a professional, and b) I forget most of what they wrote and don’t feel like clicking my mouse a couple times to find out. Here goes – my favorite things of 2016
BOOKS
I fell away from reviewing books on the BingeCast this year partly because I’m a drunk idiot and always forget, and partly because I went on a tear this year, sometimes finishing two books a week, and couldn’t keep up with myself. Here’s a couple that come to mind as I wrap the year up. IN THE DARKNESS, THAT’S WHERE I’LL KNOW YOU: THE COMPLETE BLACK ROOM STORY by Luke Smithered in a brilliant little novel about a dude that wakes up inside a strange woman’s head. That’s all I can give without ruining the rest. CRITICAL FAILURES is a series of books by Robert Bevan in which a group of friends get thrust into their role playing game called Caverns & Creatures (not unlike Dungeons & Dragons). It’s a fun read filled with shit talking, farts, and dick jokes a plenty. The best audiobook I listened to by far this year though was ALIEN: OUT OF THE SHADOWS by Tim Lebbon. I can’t remember who recommended this to me on Facebook but I can’t thank them enough. The audio version is a full budget presentation with sound effects and entire cast. The story plays as an alternate sequel to the original ALIEN film (but officially says it takes place between ALIEN and ALIENS) and finds Ripley waking up aboard a mining ship in deep space. Said mining ship finds a shit load of Xenomorphs. It takes a lot for me to give a book credit that is basically going head-to-head with the greatest sequel ever made in my opinion so give it a shot and see what you think.
VIDEO GAMES
I’m pretty sure I played one actual video game this year. That’s okay because I absolutely dominated it with my boy, Pete MC. This year at Lawlapalooza in Chicago we met up with Chad D, Chad C, Nick, and Creepy 209. Add Moreno, Pete, myself, and lots of lovely wives and we lived through the greatest meet-up yet. At some point we stumbled into a bar/arcade and started talking shit. After a few rounds of Ninja Turtles, getting my ass handed to me on Donkey Kong, and a few shots of pure death, Pete and I settled into our spot on NBA JAM and started kicking everybody’s assholes all over the walls. That’s right, the walls were painted in assholes. I’m retired from gaming for now, a champion, a hero, a complete prick.
ANIMATED FILMS
As a whole, the animated genre is in it’s golden age. No longer is it just Pixar followed by everybody else. KUBO AND THE TWO STRINGS is the biggest surprise on my list as I absolutely loved (almost) every second of it. Bundle that with the likes of ZOOTOPIA, FINDING DORY, MOANA, TROLLS, STORKS, and Pixar’s short film, BORROWED TIME, and you have one hell of a list. There were some clunkers too (THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS, ANGRY BIRDS, SAUSAGE PARTY) but those are easily outweighed by some brilliant films.
VADER
As I write this I’m gearing up for an all out podcast war with some of the other asshats from this site where we’ll argue about the importance, quality, and overall necessity of ROGUE ONE. Whatever the outcome of that conversation, there is one fact that I will not back down from – when Vader lights up his saber in the pitch black hallway after a few seconds of just his breathing is the single greatest shot in the history of STAR WARS cinema. What immediately follows is the best representation of the big bad we’re ever going to get on screen. Remember how excited we all were when we got to see Yoda kick ass in ATTACK OF THE CLONES? And how stupid it turned out to be? The Vader equivalent is anything but stupid – it’s glorious.
TV
There’s lots of good and bad in the television I watched this year, sometimes within the same series. STRANGER THINGS was good but failed to capture me the way it did countless others. THE WALKING DEAD had a great half hour of the premiere episode and then literally shit the bed every other second of screen time in what I consider to be one of the worst seasons of television I’ve ever watch throughout. SOUTH PARK started off on fire but felt like it went on a tad too long and lost some steam with me by the end. AMERICAN HORROR STORY pulled off the impossible by my standards by having me tap out mid-season and then having me tap back in before the end of the season (this is 100% Ammon’s fault and he’s an asshole). CHANNEL ZERO was the horror show I’ve been looking for, and even if it didn’t nail the landing, there were enough creepy moments to last a lifetime. VEEP was incredible from start to finish this year, leaving me wonder how they can ever top what they pulled off. I welcomed back BLACK MIRROR with open arms and was not disappointed. There’s an argument here that this show was pound-for-pound the most entertaining thing (movie or TV show) I watched this year. Some new shows caught my eye too – HORACE AND PETE was emotional, funny, and incredibly performed. ATLANTA was hilarious, all too real, and original. And DIVORCE was a triumphant comeback for Sarah Jessica Parker to HBO. The runs we were treated to by John Oliver on LAST WEEK TONIGHT and Samantha Bee on FULL FRONTAL might never be matched as they fell face first into a political shitstorm for the ages. ASH VS. EVIL DEAD was simply the greatest this year. I’ve ranted and raved enough about it on the show and in my personal life so I can hear everybody saying “We get it!” Shut up and watch. And of course, the first fully un-spoilerable season of GAME OF THRONES grabbed me by the jaw from the first episode and never let me look away. I loved it all. Book purists can sit and pout all they want, this was fantastic television.
MOVIES
I’m not going to get into my top films of the year here as we like to record a BEST OF 2016 BingeCast for that type of shit, but I will talk about some of my favorite moments. Such as the fantasy prom scene from SING STREET. This shit plays to my inner musical fan like a perfectly beat drum. I love random choreographed dance scenes in films. Don’t know why, just do. The fight between all the heroes in CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR was as epic as they could make it. Sure nobody died, but we got to see Spider-Man hanging with his new friends and Ant-Man own almost every second of screen time he has. DON’T BREATHE made me gag and almost throw up at work, DEADPOOL made me laugh harder than I have in years, and HACKSAW RIDGE had one of the most unrelenting war scenes of all time and almost made me press pause to catch my breath. Twice. I got a cool-as-fuck Denzel in THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN, a scary as all hell John Goodman in 10 CLOVERFIELD LANE, and a hot-as-shit Blake Lively in, one of my biggest surprises of the year, THE SHALLOWS. I loved Kevin Costner in CRIMINAL, wanted to hang with Russell Crowe and Ryan Gosling in THE NICE GUYS, and marveled at the subtle indifference of Amy Adams in ARRIVAL and NOCTURNAL ANIMALS. I can’t tell if she’s an amazing actress or not, but I like her.
I guess that’s it. Prepare yourself for lots of shit talking in the new year on the BingeCast and, as always, have a drink or two for me whenever you have one.
We’ve all settled our butts and formed out our own opinions on ROGUE ONE. It’s time to sit down, like gentlemen, and discuss what we liked and disliked. Kupka, Pete MC, Jack Valley, and Law form a roundtable and do none of that. There’s lots of yelling, name calling, bitching, and crying as the boys try to discover what the hell this movie is all about. Farts. It’s about farts. Join us for this surprise final BingeCast of the year.
Law, Ammon, and Pete MC review Rogue One, The BFG, 31, Santa Conquers the Martians, Saving Christmas, Ash vs. Evil Dead, Shut Eye, The Affair, and Divorce. A shitload of Google Voice, live call ins from Moreno and Art Cali, and a special holiday presentation called Twas the Nate Before BingeMas.
0:00:00-Pour some whiskey in that hot cocoa; it’s time for the Christmas Bingecast, bitches.
0:01:30-Law and Pete MC are on the mics, ready to stuff your stockings. What? Law is still coughing like a motherfucker. Moreno and Denny Luis have collaborated to bring the listeners a nice little Christmas treat, which will be played later in the show. Also, that Tacocksucker Moreno did some shit at Moe’s Tavern that gets airtime as well. PeteMC details his modest nature while playing with The Kicks. Ammon shows up. More bullshit.
0:26:33-GOOGLE VOICE
1:15:51-Surprise Call in. Google voice continues
1:24:44-Twas The Night Before Bingemas, as told by OH HAI DENNY LOUIE
1:31:00-TV ROUND UP. New Christmas sounder by Pete MC! Ash vs. Evil Dead takes precedence over everything else, as Law and Pete dig deep into it. They go deep and hard. Yup. Law is gonna check out the OA. Planet Garrett: What’s it Like? Wait, this isn’t fucking tv. Goddamnit. Law brings up his This is Us prediction and sees what Ammon thinks about it. Divorce is still good. Gilmore Girls gets discussed even though GC isn’t on. The Path is back, Pete is watching a show but he needs two hours to find the title…wait it is called Shut Eye. Emmanuelle Chriqui is still super hot. Tangents.
2:29:48-MOVIE HOMEWORK. PeteMC actually did last week’s and this week’s so he gets a gold fucking star. MH was Santa Claus Conquers (cockers?) the Martians. Some point after this Mrs. MC shows up to party.
2:49:07-Moreno’s set from Moe’s Tavern.
2:55:48-WHAT DID YOU WATCH? Ammon saw The Magnificent Seven (Pete did as well), The BFG, and Rob Zombie’s 31. Law watched Jim Carrey’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas. PeteMC revisited Pee Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special. ROGUE ONE. Moreno calls in. MORE ROGUE ONE.
SHOW’S FUCKING ROGUE DONE.
Twas the Night Before Bingemas gets played one more time to send the show out.
Have a Merry Cocksucking Christmas and a Happy New Year, you babadicks!!!
This column will introduce you to the most popular movies that are coming out in theaters this weekend and why you should go see them. Which one will you see?
Collateral Beauty
Reasons to see this:
Collateral Beauty tells the story of a man who writes letters to Love, Time, and Death and unexpectedly receives answers. Starring in this drama are Will Smith, Edward Norton, Kate Winslet, Michael Peña, Helen Mirren, Naomie Harris, Keira Knightley, and more. Directing this film is David Frankel. Frankel has directed The Devil Wears Prada, Marley & Me, The Big Year, and Hope Springs. Go check this out this weekend if you are not checking out Rogue One.
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Reasons to see this:
Star Wars Part 3 and a 1/2…ish? Yup yup yup….stealing plans for the Death Star….we got it! Starring in Star Wars is Felicity Jones, Diego Luna, Alan Tudyk, Ben Mendelsohn, Forest Whitaker, Riz Ahmed, and much more. Gareth Edwards is in the directors chairs for this flick. Edwards has directed Monsters and Godzilla 2014. Do you love stories? Then go check out Rogue One: A Star Wars Story this weekend.
There is a scene in 1980’s The Empire Strikes Back which is one of many that brilliantly encapsulates all that is right with the entire Star Wars series. Luke has been rescued from a snow creature (or Wampa, for you assholes who need specificity), and word has spread that the Empire knows where they are. Princess Leia gives a motivating speech, sends the Rebel fighters on their way, and Luke himself is taking off for another fight against the Empire whose Death Star he’d destroyed the film before. However, these aren’t ships he’s fighting this time. We feel rumblings, and debris is falling on Artoo as he tries to roll to safety. What can be causing these riffs? One look through a Rebel’s binoculars answers the question, as huge, monstrous Imperial Walkers (or AT-ATs for you same assholes) are on their way to cause destruction. This is a brilliant set-up for what eventually becomes one of the series’ many classic moments. It is foreboding, and downright scary what these Rebels are going to be fighting against.
Each and every trailer of that film was greeted with at least one tear from me. The specificity of which how JJ Abrams was treating the material with great care did a lot to back up my claims that the series was in good hands. For example, when rumors of the Millennium Falcon making an appearance in the movie were made viral, Abrams responded with denials of said rumors -with the note set firmly on the famous chess board from the Falcon.
