by Matt Withers
GOLDIPRINCE AND THE THREE SPOILERS
All right you luscious fucking people; let’s get the important stuff out of the way first. This article will be gleefully spoilerific in regards to anything GAME OF THRONES, but also including THE SIXTH SENSE, THE USUAL SUSPECTS, and blah, blah, blah. You’ve been warned. If you don’t like those parameters don’t read it.
So spoilers. WTF, people?! These things are getting out of control. Both those who can’t stop themselves from jizz-tweeting major plot developments as soon as they occur, and the folks who somehow define a spoiler as something they don’t know, no matter how much time has passed or how fully it has invaded the pop culture landscape.
So let’s start with two obvious points. One – Not everyone is able to see every show and every movie they are interested in the first time it airs. Two – any time you choose to utilize social media after a new episode, or film, or sex tape has aired you are always at risk of coming across spoilers.
Spoiler alert: Melanie Iglesias is really hot
Why is this whole spoiler thing becoming such a problem? Probably because one of the joys of social media is group enjoyment of common interests. When we’ve been waiting four fucking seasons for Prince Joffrey to get his bitchy little ass killed, the actual event is going to be seismic, and people are going to want to talk about it.
But there are ways to do it, and ways not to do it. Three Facebook posts I saw the day after that episode illustrate the point nicely. Because the way to not be a fucking douche bag in regards to spoilers is to understand what the line is, and when you’re about to cross it. (I’m purposely not attributing these)
Spoiler #1 – Yes, GAME OF THRONES! Yes, Yes, Yes!!
This one came from a former colleague of mine and is just about a perfect non-spoiler spoiler. It lets me know something awesome happened on the episode. Immediately encourages a rollicking discussion in the comments, which I know to avoid until I’ve seen the episode, but at the same time it doesn’t give me any particular indication as to which of many storylines has a satisfying event. It also makes clear that no matter what time line I think I should have to catch the episode, something big happened so I better get on watching that shit fast if I want to see it with virgin eyes.
Spoiler #2 – Nobody except for Dothraki’s should ever throw a wedding on GoT.
This is really pushing the line. Especially coming so close after the Red Wedding. It makes clear someone is going to die, or something awful is going to happen at Prince Joffrey’s wedding in King’s Landing. Since we already know there’s been general positive reaction to what happened, this tells us that almost certainly a Lannister is at the receiving end. In this instance the writer has a clever observation (though ironically we expect multiple deaths at Dothraki nuptials), but the timing (less than hours after the show aired) sucks. Before posting something like this, think about your fellow fans first. And it wouldn’t be out of line to state mild spoiler with this type of post.
Spoiler #3 – RIP Prince Joffrey
Do I even need to rant here? You can all just fill in your own version of the most excoriating thing you could think to say to a person who made a really bad, selfish choice, right? Keep in mind this was posted less than 24 hours after the episode first aired. As BingeMedia pornstar Ammon Gilbert pointed out, “Those of us who actually read the books aren’t having a hard time keeping our mouths shut. What is wrong with these people?”
He’s absolutely right. A post like that shows a basic ignorance of the fan social contract, and simply smacks of an entitlement outlook that says, “I want to show I know things you don’t know, even at the expense of your enjoyment.” There is absolutely no excuse for a post like that.
Now I purposely decided to avoid rules in this article, and instead focus on examples, because there are no universal rules that apply to spoilers. But we should all expect ourselves and our fellow fans to use critical thinking skills to ask simply, “Is this appropriate?” before posting. Feel free to use the previous examples as a guide.
Of course knowing that Ned Stark is dead, knowing that Rob and Cat Stark are dead, and knowing that Prince Joffrey is dead; none of these bits of knowledge destroy how deep, enjoyable and amazing the GoT universe is now, and what it promises to become. But the sense of discovering those moments as they happen should not be given short shrift. Just like THE SIXTH SENSE is a compelling drama whether or not you know Bruce Willis is dead. Just like THE USUAL SUSPECTS draws you in and fascinates you with great performances and a knock out ending even if you’ve already know who is Kaiser Soze.
But the experience carries more weight when you get it fresh the first time. There’s really nothing wrong with loving our fellow fans enough to be a little courteous. And our disparate communities are much stronger and better able to have the kind of Stephen Colbert/Tolkien knowledge depth that we all want when we get deep together, rather than just racing to see who can brag that they saw something first.
And one more thing, if it’s been spoiled by radio ads, promos, last week on’s and any other media that could easily and accidentally be stumbled upon, then no one has the right to give you shit about spoilers. We don’t live in a bubble people. Only Jake Gyllenhaal and John Travolta get to do that.