bill burr

On a shadowy, fall day in October, a group of friends and I gathered together to take an epic journey out to Indianapolis for a comedy show. Planned months in advance for one of my best friend’s birthdays, we all purchased tickets to see Bill Burr at the Murat Theatre in Old National Centre. We all just so happened to gather together the previous night to relax and organize ourselves for the day to follow. However, it turned into a full on shit show, and half of our party woke up the next morning hungover and half-ready for the day’s events. What started as dinner and a movie, quickly escalated to dinner and board games, to dinner and booze, and thus eventually landed in beer pong territory. As the group of friends were joined by other long-time friends throughout the night, it became clear that this weekend was destined for remembrance. As the ping pong balls flew and smoke clouds rolled through, we all quickly forgot how we got to where we were. A crew of people mostly familiar with one another, quickly reverted to shenanigans and hijinx like that of the old days, as the table was filled with Cards Against Humanity, and more booze. This game was insane, and with 8 people at the table it became obvious that we were wild, and out of control. Bottles were falling and cards were being thrown down in disappointment, but the fun was a long way from disappearing.

We woke up the next morning to three hungover birds, who came close to taking it that one step further less than 8 hours before. In a rush, we gathered greasy food and carbonated beverages for those who were in need, and the other two of us began the party anew. Joking that this was supposed to be a night out on the town, involving drinks and more hijinx, we decided that us two were left to be filling ourselves with more of the devil’s drink. The drive to Indianapolis was long and tired, and though conversation was kept up, it was clear that we were all waiting impatiently to arrive at our destination for our entertainment. Greeted by a headless, dancing pinup girl in heels, made from electronic lights on a cold, Indy corner, we found a place to leave our car for the evening. As we walked around a downtown part of Indianapolis, it became clear that we were no longer in Cincinnati. Chili only on dogs, and not on spaghetti? Hipster boutiques galore and niche food joints for the masses? We clearly, were not at home anymore. As we continued our journey to the venue, stomachs churning for multiple reasons, we found that we didn’t have quite enough time to get a meal down. Instead, we headed in to the price gouging vendors for what they provide you at things like these: popcorn, candy, and really fucking expensive beer.

We loaded up, candy in the hands of someone who just earlier wasn’t sure if they’d make it, and beers in the hand of my best friend and myself. His was $9, and mine $11, but little did I know that that money was an investment that would pay off dividends. As we started into the theater to see our opening acts, we came to an agreement that we would drink this one and hold off until after. Because you know… Money. But as the first drink was finished, we were only one comedian into the show. Sitting in the balcony high above the well-dressed and wealthy in image, my friend made his first trip to drip. I could feel that the situation was leading to more drinks, because well his were only $9 and why not re-up? I asked him to do the same for me, “I got you back”. The beers arrived cold and full, unlike those that we had just thrown under the seats. I took down the second beer with gusto, as at this point I was more thirsty than anything and thought my drink tasted good. My buddy followed suit, and before I knew it I was in the boy’s room too.

As I meandered about the large bathroom, finding a place to free up some room, I noticed the shittiest, shitty, covered in shit toilet I have ever seen. Apocalyptic levels of repulsion set in, as I noticed the freshness of the mess and its absolute lack of visible control. But then I thought to myself, “do I feel shitty?”, and the answer was no. Then I thought, you know we’re supposed to be shitting this place up a storm, not some other guy with the worst bowel movements I’ve ever seen. We’re the shit throwers of the shit show, and we’re here to bring the place down. Fortunately, as I was walking out I saw the vendor table, which was on your way back to the showroom. There was no one in the room, and no one in line, but three well-dressed ladies standing there waiting to serve you your next concession. I fell for the trap, in the midst of daydreams about getting wasted, and having the good old time that we’d already started the night before. I bought another $11 beer, and that was that. We saw Burr’s two opening acts, the first of which was better than the second, though both were great. During these third beers, we witness the man himself, perform the single best set I’ve ever seen.

Bill Burr was phenomenal, and I mean that. I’ve seen a good deal of comedy shows in the last few years. I’m sure not as many as some of my colleagues, and probably not as many as most people, but we’ve seen them all in my book. Aziz Ansari and Jay Mohr were highlights of my comedy viewing career, and we’ve seen Josh Blue and a few others, who we’ve all liked. This guy was the cream of the crop, the last comic standing in my to-see list. He exceeded my expectations, and absolutely hammered the crowd with some of the best stuff I’ve heard him do. I tend to stick with his older specials, but goddamn I hope this one comes out soon so we can see it perfected. He had the crowd without breath for the last 30 minutes, and I’ve never cry laughed so hard in my life, and for so long. I couldn’t have been happier in those last few moments, as Bill brought his stuff around for one last point. As we exited the theater, it was clear who was the drunkest person of the group, but I wasn’t going to tell him.

We somehow made our way to Chili’s far, far away from where we were. It was something normal for us Ohioans, as the restaurant scene near the venue seemed a bit out of touch with our pockets at this point. As we continued this crazy night that had only just begun, we got the single closest server you could get to having the Dos Equis guy taking care of you. He got our beers, he cleaned up our table so good that he took my uneaten french fries with him. We were obviously being hurried from the restaurant, as the drunken friend’s belligerence became ever more apparent. A ranch cup on the floor, and sticky ranch pants the result. Two empty beers, and leftover food that should have helped to assuage the worries of our stomachs. We piled in the car to begin the most epic part of the night. My best friend and I used to tour the streets of Cincinnati, from our vehicle, belting the album The Pick of Destiny by Tenacious D. The road was long still, and at this hour it would be awhile, so we took it upon ourselves to entertain. I, Kyle Gass, and my friend, JB(W), began from the beginning and powered our way through the best show we’ve ever put on. We arrived home safely, and a little worse for wear, but it was all worth every moment.

I had such a great weekend, and I thought this fit both “comic” and “binge” so I thought I’d share. Especially in the lack of comic book reading in my life currently, because of school and other such things. This will be one of the best moments of my life, and Bill Burr’s perfect set will go down in history as the best I’ve seen, of that I’m sure. I hardly remember a single damn word, but holy shit was it amazing. The whole room, the set, the comedians… It was all golden. Thanks to my lovely lady for putting up with the drunken man, that unfortunately she had chosen to spend her weekend with. If you haven’t figured out already, that man was me, in rare form. But it was supposed to happen that way, and it makes me excited for the next time that responsible, adult partying happens in my favor. It’s not something I normally do, but last weekend was a blast from the past and a half. Thanks also to the group of amazing friends that we went with, because it surely will be a night to remember. What an awesome weekend of success. Thanks for reading everyone, and I hope you’ve enjoyed my over dramatic retelling of my previous weekend. Have a safe and crazy Halloween Binge!