Jack Attack Tuesday – 4 Cringe-Worthy Music Performances
Jack Attack Tuesday
4 Cringe-Worthy Music Performances (And One Great One)
Dudes and dudettes, I don’t know if you’re aware but I’m a bit of a music connoisseur (see my moniker “The Man Who Heard Music”). In my musical travels, I’ve come across a lot of strange shit, but the videos you’ll see below are some of the strangest, but not for the reasons you’d expect. Don’t worry, after the utter depravity I’ve snuck one fantastic video on the end for you to check out as well. Let’s get started:
Ain’t Even Done With The Night – John Cougar Mellencamp
This is an easy target because:
A – It’s from 1981, a decade many artists put some of their worst work into
B – John Cougar Mellencamp is a poor man’s Bruce Springsteen
C – Anyone who uses a group of male backup dancers deserves all the ridicule coming to them
Seriously though, can anyone explain what the fuck is going on here? I mean the song is what it is, a sappy ode to 50’s doo-wop sung by a guy who is absolutely begging for all the attention, but COME ON, you’ve gotta do better than this. Seeing a performance like this reinforces all the subconscious reasons why I have no respect for this guy. Of course, just when you think this video can’t get any worse, a balding man mimics saxophone noises with his mouth. I’m not joking. Authority Song fucking owns though.
To Be With You – Mr. Big
This…oh god, this. Most of this performance is ok. Again, a sappy love song in the heyday of hair bands and Cyndi Lauper, so I get it, and for most of the song I’m fine with it. Until, of course, what can only be described as the douchiest guitar solo ever played. Honestly, look up any performance of this song and that simple, ineffective and amateurish guitar solo, punctuated by that bullshit note that the ENTIRE band just has to react to at every performance. Nothing says “We Suck” like pointing at the audience while you hit a few hammer-ons and pull-offs. Fuck these guys. I get it, the song took off, and they’ve gotta play up Paul Gilbert’s skills, but fuck right off.
Bat Out of Hell – Meat Loaf
Meat Loaf. I can hear all of your collective sigh from here. Meat Loaf, unless he’s putting in solid work in Fight Club or Wayne’s World, is a joke. He’s a bad substitute for…well…I’m not sure who. Meat Loaf is without question rock’s most overproduced performer, with a sound so artifically tight it’s like they’re shrink-wrapped in douche chills. I could have chosen many Meat Loaf videos but this one does wonders in highlighting not only the man’s failing pipes but also his inability to move, in ANY direction, while on stage. It’s comical, and it’s horrible. I’ll admit, on occasion, I’ve been known to rock out to Bat Out of Hell and Paradise By The Dashboard Light in a completely self-referential so-bad-it’s-good kind of way, but the idea that Meat Loaf is a serious musical artist is baffling.
Revolution – The Thompson Twins feat. Madonna & Nile Rodgers
By far the most frustrating video in this entire list, I can’t help but die inside while watching this. I know what you’re thinking: Who are The Thompson Twins? Who is Nile Rodgers? Why is Madonna relegated to backup vocals? Everything about this video is confusing and disappointing. All the points that could have been earned from attempting to pay homage to The Beatles are completely squandered by the assholes involved. This video is so painful I wish it never happened. Let it be a cautionary tale to you all: PCP is bad.
Congratulations, you made it to the end. I know, it’s tough, but it’s always important to know what sucks to keep your bullshit barometer in check. As promised, check out the video below for a nice palette cleanse, and as always, Binge On!