Bob’s Thirsty Thursdays: Dog Spiders: The Set Up

Last week we had a laugh looking back about how the idea of DOG SPIDERS came to be (relive the magic HERE), and today we are back to continue the story of a Dr. Jack Hammer, scientist extraordinaire, and his Golden Retriever, Wolf, who has just been bit in the mouth by a mutated spider (read the exhilarating opening sequence HERE).

This entry serves as a bit of set up for what’s to come. It sets up a few supporting characters, sets up the location of where the majority of the story will take place, and it even sets up a few brooding romances. But, have no fear… there is some Dog Spider action towards the end, I promise… let’s do this!

DOG SPIDERS

© BingeMedia (Ammon Gilbert, Jim Law, Johnny Moreno)

After the most epic spider DNA taking over dog DNA opening credit sequence ever filmed, we open up on a sunny afternoon sky and pan down to see the latest high-rise condo just within the generic city limits. The sign on the condo reads “The High Life” and it’s the most fancy-pants high-brow condo ever built, the latest in condo substantiality technology. The High Life is equipped with its own grocery store, fancy boutiques, running shoe store, Cinnabon, Starbucks, Annie’s Pretzels, Tim Hortons, a fully-equipped gym, and a doggy daycare, cleverly called Doggy Daycare.

Rolling up and down into The High Life’s parking garage is Dr. Jack Hammer in his rustic Land Rover, with Wolf hanging her head out the backseat window. After parking, the two hop out and proceed to the elevators, hitting the number 88 on the panel on their way up to the 88th floor. Wolf is acting normal, as if nothing happened earlier in the day that should be of concern (like being bit by a mutated spider in the mouth), and Jack, disappointed with Wolf,  muters a “What are we gonna do with you, eh Wolf?” with an affectionate pat on the head.

At the Lobby the elevator door opens and in comes a man with a giant Sombrero on his head, a thick handlebar mustache, and rockin’ a T-shirt that advertises “Moreno’s Taco Muchacho” with a Taco Truck shaped like a giant Taco on it. The two exchange pleasantries as they are both happy to see each other. “Hey essay, how’s it going?” “Hey Moreno, its going ok, Wolf here got kicked out of the lab again. The sixth time this month! I think it might be the last straw, if I bring her back again, I’ll probably get fired.”

Moreno then talks to Wolf directly, which scratching her head. “Hey mami, what’s the problem, homes? You can’t be messin’ with Dr. Jack’s job. If he doesn’t have a job he won’t be able to afford living here in The High Life, and if he ain’t livin’ in The High Life, he ain’t buyin’ any of my tacos!”

The elevator door dings open and Moreno exits the elevator. “Will I see you later, vato?” “It’s Tuesday, isn’t it?” “You know it, meng!”

The elevator door closes, goes up a couple of floors, and opens again. This time, a large bald man enters with three kids, each holding a Bear Claw pastry in one hand and a Maple Bar donut in the other. Before the doors shut we see that this is the floor where the Tim Hortons is located. The kids are excited to see Wolf and the man and Jack chat. These two are also friends.  “How’s it going, eh?” “Good Jimmy, thanks for asking. Hitting up Tim Hortons again?” “Oh yeah, you betcha. You can’t beat a hot Bear Claw just out of the oven, you know. It’s like heaven, eh.”

The elevator dings and Jimmy and his family exit and a tall smokin’ hot blonde in a khaki uniform gets on the elevator. This is Mary Jane Nelson (it’s a weed reference, not a Spider-Man reference goddamnit), the love interest of Dr. Jack Hammer. By Mary Jane’s side, as always, is her mutt Big Willy. Big Willy and Wolf are both super excited to see each other (as are Jack and Mary Jane). “Oh, hey there Stranger. Fancy seeing you here.” “Floor?” “Whatever floor you’re getting off on.” “That’s what she said.” The two laugh, embrace, and kiss.

After, Mary Jane pulls back. “You ok, Jack? Something wrong?” “No, it’s Wolf. I can’t bring her into the lab again, or else I’m fired. I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave her cooped up in the condo all day, and everyone else I know either sells Tacos all day or has kids, I just don’t know what I’m going to do. What do you do with Big Willy when you’re out killing bugs all day?”

Ah yes, here’s a little twist: Mary Jane is a professional Exterminator. When your home is infested with bugs, you call The Lady Exterminator Pest Control Specialists and Mary Jane comes over and terminates them. Yes. A professional Bug Killer, thus Bug Expert, and all around Bug Specialist.

Ok. Back to the elevator. “I drop Big Willy off at the Doggy Daycare every morning down there in the Lobby. You don’t do that? Everybody in the building drops their dogs off there before heading out for the day. They’re really awesome. Seriously, every dog here spends part of their day down there. I’m telling you, drop Wolf down there in the morning. She’ll have a blast, and Big Willy will keep her company.” “Yeah, I guess you’re right. That sounds like a dog paradise.” ‘It really is. They even get to spend part of the day outside on the deck.” “Just one thing.” “What’s that?” “We’ll drop Big Willy and Wolf off at the Doggy Daycare in the morning together.”

Ding! The elevator door opens and happy couple and their happy dogs get off the elevator.

Later in the evening, we see Jack and Mary Jane having tacos from Moreno’s Taco Muchacho taco truck over a candle light dinner in Jack’s condo. The two talk, share intimate secrets, flirt, and the whole thing gets really Romantic Comedy-like until the two head off to the bedroom with some “Bow-chicka-wow-wow” music rockin’ in the background. But we stick with Big Willy and Wolf as they too drum up some intimacy. Yes, they do it…and they probably do it doggy style. Cause they’re dogs. And that’s how dogs do it.

Afterwards, while both Big Willy and Wolf are lying together at the foot of Jack’s bed and everyone is sleeping and it’s dark and shit, Wolf hops up like she has to piss or something and wanders out of the room (without disturbing Big Willy), heads down the hallway, and into the living room. She’s panting, she lets off a couple of yelps, she’s pacing around like something is going to happen. And then… something does happen. The fur on her sides begin puffing out in an almost bubbling-like fashion. Wolf is in pain but there’s nothing she can do but just pace around and let what’s happening to her happen.

Then, where her fur is pulsating/bubbling on her sides, giant SPIDER LEGS shoot out! Two additional giant dog-sized spider legs splurt out of her side. It’s a scene of slimy grossness. Once all four additional legs are out, Wolf runs around the living room a bit and her additional spider legs are being used to help her run, therefore, she runs with extra fast speed and agility!

Testing out her new legs and running as fast as she can, she runs down the hallway—but as she nears the wall at the end of the hall she realizes she is running too fast and tries to stop herself. But as its hardwood floors and she’s a dog, she starts slipping and sliding down the hall and right when she’s about to smash into the wall at the end of the hall, her legs reach out to help her stop… and she begins running UP the wall and ONTO the ceiling! Yes, she has spider legs, she can now cling to walls and hang upside down!

Fade out to a morning shot of The High Life with the sun rising in the background.

To be continued….