Bob’s Thirsty Thursdays: Dog Spiders: Origins

I hope this week was filled with as much DOG SPIDERS-inspired ideas and visions for you as it was for me. If not, be sure to check out last week’s Thirsty Thursday entry (HERE) where I start putting the idea of DOG SPIDERS on paper, with hopes of realizing our BingeMedia dream of having The Asylum pick this puppy up and making it into a special effects extravaganza for the SyFy Network. We can dream, can’t we???

This week I went back to the September 7, 2014, BingeCast where the idea of DOG SPIDERS was first incepted (HERE, starting around the 1hr. 34min. mark). Here are some notes and the literal transcription of what took place:

• The whole idea for DOG SPIDERS was inspired by Moreno’s review of the ridiculously stupid movie SPIDERS, in which dog-sized spiders run amok in “New York”. Dog-sized spiders? What would be better than that? How about DOG SPIDERS? History was made in that moment.
• Law wants the film to star action star extraordinaire Chuck Norris (no, really).
• Somehow, in all the excitement about Dog Spiders, the film DOG SOLDIERS is brought up, and thus we entre into that part of DOG SPIDERS where Werewolves show up to team up with the Dog Spiders in a plan to take over the entire human race.
• We narrate how we would pitch the idea to The Asylum via email, in which the Subject of the email is DOG SPIDERS and the Body of the email is: You’re Welcome.

Enough of all that, how about the real meat and potatoes? I give you the full-blown transcription for our initial pitch of DOG SPIDERS (pitched to ourselves because we think we’re that clever),  initially inspired with Moreno’s review of SPIDERS:

L: Are they giant spiders?

M: They get pretty big.

A:Yeah, they’re dog-sized spiders.

M: Yeah, dog-sized, they’re pretty big. They’ll still fuck you up. Guys, let’s put this together… BingeMedia’s first production—movie production: Dog-Sized Spiders.

L: What about Dog Spiders? Like Dog Soldiers, but it’s Dog Spiders.

M: I think I’m gonna puke after Dog Spiders. That’s so gross to me.

L: I can’t get Dog Spiders out of my mind. I’m not gonna hear anything else you say.

M: Dog Spiders is amazing.

L: The mutation of dogs and spiders – that sounds amazing to me.

A: Like, you can get the Dog Spiders to stop chasing you if you throw a stick.

L: Dog tendencies?

M: Yeah, but they catich it with just one of their arms. “What else, bitch? What else you got?”

A: And instead of just licking your balls they eat your balls off. Ow. That’d be weird.

M: That took a turn.

L: All the cats in the neighborhood are dead. They’re in giant webs. This is an amazing movie. Dog Spiders sounds amazing.

M: I think I might be stoned right now. This is one of those high conversations.

(Review of SPIDERS continues)

L: Does Chuck Norris show up?

A: “I’m a Lone Wolf, Dog Spiders.”

L: Let’s be honest: if we make Dog Soldiers, like this comes to fruitition at any point, Chuck Norris is the star, right?

M: Oh, he has to be.

(Review of SPIDERS continues)

L: I think if we email The Asylum, we would just need to put two words in the email: Dog Spiders. They would get back to us immediately.

A: They made Camel Spiders, why not Dog Spiders?

M: Here’s what we do–in the subject: Dog Spiders. Body of the of the email: You’re Welcome.

A: ‘Nuff said.

M: Send a follow-up email–Reply All: Figure It Out. Figure it out. What do you want from us?

L: We got to get credited on this. We have to come up and write the script.

A: Not even a script, just an outline.

L: Chapter 1: Chuck Norris shows up and has to fight a bunch of mutated Dog Spiders.

A: Like how do they become Dog Spiders? Well, first of all, there’s these spiders and they come from space—they gotta come from space becasuse they gotta be big, and they land on—

M: No, you’re making this too complicated. So they ask, “how do they become Dog Spiders?” and we just go, “Have you ever seen a dog? Have you ever seen a spider? What else do you want???” And then we just walk out of the room and they’re like, “Thank you”.

A: Ah, so it’s like CUJO and we follow one dog—

L: No—

A: And he gets bit by a spider and he turns into a—

L: No, not just a spider… the spider from SPIDER-MAN.

A: Oh shit.

L: That’s a spin-off! Dog Spiders is a spin-off of SPIDER-MAN!

A: But wouldn’t it be SPIDER-DOG?

L: No—

M: No, it would be—Peter Barker.

A: Peter Barker is the main character!

L: But it wouldn’t be just one dog because that dog is like a mutt, right, and it just goes around fuckin’ the other dogs, and then they’re all Dog Spiders.

A: But then it gets locked up in a kennel like THE THING and he starts turning the other fucking dogs into Dog Spiders.

L: Yes!

A: And it can’t handle them so they start breaking through the chains and shit.

L: And all the othe Dog Spiders come and break him out.

M: How about this? Remember that movie DOG SOLDIERS? Dog Spiders vs. Dog Soldiers.

A: Werewolves show up?

L: Wereolves vs. Dog Spiders? That’d be a good fight, I ain’t gonna lie to you.

A: It would be a good fight, but I don’t know who’s side to be on though. They’re both kind of assholes.

L: You know what else happens with Dog Spiders? And I have no explanation for this at all: their web is acidic.

A: They’re like little Aliens and shit.

M: And 45 minutes of the movie is everyone going “But how does it stay in their body??”

L: No, you can’t go that way!

M: But there’s a scientist character who is all just like “IT’S SCIENCE!” He can’t explain it, he’s grabbing his hair cause he’s so frusterated with everybody cause they’re not as smart as he is.

A: But if the Dog Spiders and the Dog Soldiers fight, that would mean that Dog Spiders are man’s best friends and they’re on the man’s side.

L:Oh—you choose a side! Choose Your Side.

A: And they become friends, so a dude is like “yo boy, kill”, and its going on and the dog is like “grrrrrr woof-woof”, “what, is Timmy stuckin the well?”, “woof-woof!” “Well then get that motherfucker!”, and the dogs like bursts out all of its eight legs and shit.

L: He just crawls down the well and grabs them. Hold on a minute. You’re theory is flawed because werewolves are actually humans. So what are you gonna do there? That’s a better set-up! Because werewolves are humans, they’re man, and Dog Spiders are man’s best friend, they join teams! And they fucking fight all of us!

M: Jesus.

L: And Chuck Norris has to come.

A: And they start talkin’, like “Why are we fuckin’ bitches to these fuckin’ people?” We go to a park and there’s a scene where we just watch just a regular dog shit and the people come up behind them and pick it up . And they’re like “look, they’re our bitches now!” and they combine forces.

L: They’re just sittin’ on a bench. Just a Werewolf and a Dog Spider sitting on a bench.

A: Yeah, they’re at a Dog Park behind some bushes. “Hey, look at this shit! They shit and they clean up our shit and put it in bags and put their hands on it!”

M: One of them has a periscope. Out of the bushes.

A: They’re like “Fuck people!” and it becomes PLANET OF THE APES style. And they’re like, “Let’s put these people in Concentration Camps and fuck em’ up!”

M: That’s awful.

A: This movie just got CRAZY. This is a trilogy. I feel like we have more than one movie.

L: We just wrote the whole fucking thing.

M: It’s a Trilogy of… Scarer. Instead of Terror, understand?

L: The new email. The subject is still: Dog Spiders. But inside it’s just: Listen to the Podcast.

A: No, we have PJ the Intern transcribe what we just said.

L: You transcribe it, you’re the master.

A: No, PJ the Intern has to beause he would just type it out in a congruent fashion and it will make sense. And then we’ll keep the audio.

L: I don’t know if this will make sense at all though, but OK.

A: But then they’ll be like: “Wait, they’re dogs but they’re spiders, and they’re man’s best friend, but they’re not because they’re werewolve so they actually hate people.”

L: Yup.

A: It makes sense to us and that’s all that matters. What more do they need? They’ll look at their whole body of work and be like: well, TRANSMORPHERS didn’t make any sense either.

L: Just look at your last five movies. Yup! You’re right, this is great.

A: This is perfect.

M: Yeah, they’re like TRANSMORPHERS? Check your email—and we already sent them the email that says You’re Welcome. Dog Spiders. Dog Spiders vs. Dog Soldiers is the second movie.

L: Fuck that’s amazing.

M: And then the spin-off comedy that’s called “Werewolves? More like Barewolves” And it’s just naked werewolves.

L: It’s a spin-off fuckin’ sitcom?

M: We can do that. I think The Asylum could get into that.

L: Yeah, they need their own TV show.

A: And somehow Bigfoot shows up and is like “What’s up, yall?” And the Dog Soldiers are like “wait a second, you’re like us… but youre not.”

L: This needs to be on SyFy. Like, immediately.

A: It’s a reality show. A this point, it’s like Big Brother, where they live in the woods together and there’s cameras everywhere.

L: Can we cast that hot chick from TYRANT?

A: Yeah, she sain’t got no job anymore.

L: She ain’t got time for that.

(Back to the SPIDERS review)

M: Dog Spiders I give an 8 on 10. There’s still a little bit that could be improved on it.

L: Yes, there is room to improve on it.

A: There are some splot holes that we have to fill in a little bit.

M: We’re figure it out thought. Between the three of us.

L: Absolutely.

M: Add a couple cases of beer, why not?

L: Am I drunk to say we should literally write a script for Dog Spiders and send it in to The Asylum?

M: I’ll start it right now.

L: I literally want to work on a script for Dog Spiders and send it to The Asylum.

M: Yeah.

L: Just to see what their reaction is. Just for the BingeCast, just to see what they say about it. We each write 30 pages, alright? Someone writes a beginning, someone writes the middle, someone write the end. And we fucking hand it in to The Asylum and see what they say.

M: We can’t do that because three of us would be fighting for the end. Because we’d want to do the climax, the big fight. Dog Spider fight.

A: That would be an amazing fight.

L: Ok, well, we’ll figure it out. I fucking sweat to God I want to do this.

A: And the last line is like, “Fetch this, motherfucker!” and the throws a stick of dynamite into the Dog Spiders mouth…

L: Ammon’s writing the last part! Ammon’s writing the last part!

M: “Fetch this!” Oh I fucking love it! “Hey, go fetch!”

L: Well, he won’t swear.

A: Yeah.

L: And it’s going to be on SyFy too, so you can’t swear..

A: “Fetch this!” and he throws a stick of dynamite….

L: “Fetch this, Mother Spider!”

A:…and then it explodes. “Fetch this, motherfBOOOOM!!!”

M: Yes, of course, cause it’s The Asylum. Then Dog Spiders vs. Dog Soldiers starts off with “Give Me Five!” and five of the spiders legs blow up. For no reason. You’re like, What? Oh yeah. That’s right. Dog Spiders, the first movie.  You should have seen that one.

L: I sear to God, I’m wrting an outline for Dog Spiders and we’re all gonna write it, and we’re gonna submit it.

A: Let’s do it right now.

_____________________________

And that folks is the inception of Dog Spiders. There’s a lot of crazy ideas and I don’t know if Chuck Norris would be the star (but Paul Logan, on the other hand…), but the idea is strong and has some serious potential.

Transcribing is a bitch so I don’t have a lot to add to this week’s DOG SPIDERS treatment, but know this… this conversation has solved a few issues I had in my mind when putting the pen to paper for this treatment, including the setting. I see the majority of this moving taking place inside a high rise condo. It’s one of those all-inclusive condos that even has a Doggy Daycare set up on the ground floor for all the dog owners in the building to drop their dogs off for the day. Instead of a Kennel (a brilliant idea knocked off from THE THING), the spread of the Dog Spiders happens at Doggy Daycare.

Just sit with that for a bit.

To be continued….