Garrett’s Grumblings -10 Shockingly Unmade Remakes – Part I
We are all guilty of it. Hell, as much of a remake defender that I am, I have also caught myself doing it. Most recently, I did it with the announcement of a remake of Steven Spielberg’s early 80s statement on suburban living Poltergeist. You hear the combination of the words ‘remake’ and a title you love, and you find yourself yelling ‘WHAT?!’ How the hell is producer Sam Raimi going to update the horror of a little girl getting kidnapped by angry ghosts without caking the film in CGI and looking like a shadow of its former self? In other words, how is it NOT going to end up being 2010’s Nightmare on Elm Street remake?
All of that can be discussed another day. For now, I want to focus on ten films we have not had to react to the reality of hitting the screens in the new millennium just yet. It should be said, at least 80% of these titles HAVE come up as being in remake talks at one time or another. But for the time being, they have not come to fruition. Whenever possible, I will mention what talks happened, and the history of why that particular remake was not done. Some of the names attached to these films will surprise you. Starting with…..
1) The Last Starfighter
To me, this is the most obvious remake bait on the list. A sentimental film which tells the story of a video game that acts as a recruitment tool, it is a movie that can boast as being among the first to ever use purely digital effects. That being said, the effects themselves have not aged that well, so the ability to make a convincing digital piece of land -which production designer Ron Cobb admitted to being disappointed with during the film’s commentary- is one of many reasons why the tale can resonate with audiences today. On top of all that, the popularity of geek culture and video games are at an all time high (hello Ready Player One), and the idea of taking modern effects & engraining them in a modern retelling of the Lance Guest starring vehicle would seem like a no brainer.
A remake of the 1984 film has had many start/stops over the years. Most recently, Seth Rogan was trying to acquire the rights to no avail. His stumbling block? Original writer Jonathan R. Betuel, who still holds the original rights, refuses to let them go, reportedly wanting to keep the original film pure. In fact, if Rogan is to be believed, Betuel is so intent on keeping the rights that the most powerful man in Hollywood himself, Steven Spielberg, was unsuccessful in taking them away. Will the film ever be made, and is Rogan’s assessment of events correct? Or was he too stoned to see he wasn’t talking to Spielberg? Who knows.
2) The Dark Crystal
Around the mid 80s, George Lucas was asked when he would continue his planned 9 movie Star Wars saga. In response, Lucas said, ‘when technology catches up to the vision I have in mind.’ In 1982, Muppets creator Jim Henson said to hell with the future. He was going to take on his vision given the available technology at hand. In looking at The Dark Crystal today, it is incredible to think he was able to accomplish his vision without the aid of digital technology. The Dark Crystal is all craftsmanship. For proof of this, take a look at the making of documentary featured on the blu ray and DVD. Performers, and Henson himself, can be seen under heeps of robes, holding up their arms so the creatures looked much taller than the performers. On top of the incredible feat of getting the movie made, the story itself is still a quite enjoyable ride through a hero’s journey.
So, with the advent of digital technology, why hasn’t The Dark Crystal been remade? Surprisingly, there has never been talk of the movie featuring Jen’s adventure getting a modern reboot. However, original screenwriter David Odell did write a sequel to the film entitled The Power of the Dark Crystal. Everyone from the Spierig Brothers (Daybreakers) to Genndy Tartokovsky (Hotel Transylvania) took a stab at visualizing how to go about telling the continuous story. But as of 2012, the project has been shelved. So for now, if they want to see a continuation of the original film, fans have to turn to an Odell penned series of comics. As a personal aside, I have to say The Power of the Dark Crystal comics are fantastic and primed for adaptation by a highly stylish director keen on telling a story using a dark tone combined with a grandiose vision.
3) The Neverending Story
Das Boot was the first film of director Wolfgang Peterson’s career, and given its Oscar nomination, is credited with putting him on the map. However, many people who grew up in the 80s would beg to differ, as The Neverending Story, the director’s second film, holds a much higher place in their hearts. The whimsical fantasy/adventure picture takes viewers into the mind of school skipping Bastian as he finds himself being revealed to be the real hero of a magical book. The film’s story still holds up, even if some of the effects don’t. Spoken dialogue is almost universally not in sync with animatronic lips, and far away shots of flying characters rely on charm alone to be believable. But in rewatching the film just a few days ago, I can tell you that the film’s charm gets it all the way to the finish line. Even if it contains what I STILL claim to be the saddest scene ever put to film (to be discussed at another time).
After two semi to unsuccessful sequels, word was mum on a remake. Up until 2009, when Leonardo DiCaprio’s production company Appian Way -which had just released the successful horror film Orphan– started early development on a remake of the film. Enter Kathleen Kennedy and Frank Marshall, who jumped onboard and promised the film to be a more direct adaptation of the much darker novel on which the 1984 film was based. In 2012, Kennedy was named head of Lucasfilm, and the likelihood of a Neverending Story remake seemed more and more planted in the Swamps of Sadness. Oh boy. Here come the tears……
4) Big Trouble in Little China
John Carpenter is a director whose resume seems to be pinned on the walls of each and every Hollywood executive. An Escape From New York remake has been in development for it seems like decades, and everything from The Fog to Halloween has been slicked up for modern audiences. Hell, Halloween is getting previsualized to be remade AGAIN. No wonder the guy doesn’t work anymore. That ‘Based on Characters Created by John Carpenter’ credit has allowed him to retire with style.
Speaking of style, that would lead to his 1986 romp Big Trouble in Little China. An at the time under appreciated flop, Big Trouble is interesting in that it boasts no less than six genres of film within one. Maybe that is why we have not seen Kurt Russell’s character Jack Burton grace the screen ever since he drove off with a creature in tow at the end of the original film. After mulling a sequel for awhile, Carpenter moved on to other things, and Hollywood moved on to ignoring any sort of demand for a sequel. Mum has mostly been the word on any talks of a remake, and the closest we are going to get to a sequel is a series of comic books that continue the adventure, of which Goon creator Eric Powell promises are being done with Carpenter’s input. The first issue hits stands on June 4th.
5) Krull
In making of documentaries featured on the Alien Quadrilogy boxed set, Dan O’Bannon admitted the only reason the first Alien got a green light was because Star Wars had just come out, and it was the only script on 20th Century Fox’s desk which took place in space. I would have to assume the reasoning behind Krull‘s wholly expensive production is quite similar, as Ken Marshall’s character is pretty much Luke Skywalker with a beard. Mostly remembered now as one of Liam Neeson’s first ever roles, the film is a pretty painful modern watch, with James Horner’s admittedly iconic score being one of its only highlights. Even given all of these things working against the original 1983 film, I would say that of all five films on this list so far, I would welcome a remake of this one with the most open arms. Its story is engaging, the execution of which not so much. And this coming from someone who used to have the movie’s official board game as a child.
In fairness, I think Krull was the victim of a production team who had trouble fulfilling an overly ambitious vision. Imagine for a second a digital Glave kicking ass and taking names? A Guillermo Del Toro version of the attacking spider scene? So, why has it not happened? As with the majority of this list, small rumblings of a remake have surfaced from time to time over the years, with self-professed big Krull fan Matt Damon making his intentions of getting one done known. Then shortly after leaving Ant-Man, Edgar Wright himself caused a stir in the Krull universe (is there such a thing?) when he said -ok, tweeted- that he would love to be the one to remake it for modern audiences. Of course, Wright is a busy man and a Krull remake is not in such high demand that it would bank on Wright dropping everything to concentrate on it. Then again, neither was Scott Pilgrim vs The World.
Come back in a couple of days for the conclusion to my list of ten surprisingly unmade remakes.