Friday Night Law: Terminator Genisys, Toy Story Conspiracy
TERMINATOR GENISYS
Try to move past the mind boggling annoyance of that title and let’s watch this together and then we’ll regroup afterward and discuss why I hate it.
The similarities between the STAR WARS franchise and the TERMINATOR franchise are pretty interesting right now. Both are gearing up for a reboot by getting old, classic characters to come in and save the day. This is because, after mind-boggling success at the beginning of their respective stories, both franchises significantly dropped the ball at one point or another while trying to keep the magic alive. Still, there is an argument to be made that these are the two greatest pieces of cinematic science fiction to ever grace the screen, both being highlighted by unforgettable sequels (T2 & Empire), iconic moments, and an unrelenting appeal to multiple generations of fans.
So STAR WARS comes out with their trailer last week and we get some familiar imagery (stormtroopers, lightsaber, x-wings) and one huge moment that gave everybody goosebumps (the Millennium Falcon). It was handled pretty solidly in my opinion. TERMINATOR GENISYS drops that thing above on us yesterday and I feel like they haven’t learned a thing from the last two films. I made a pretty clear decision before watching the clip – if anybody says “I’ll be back.” in this trailer I will have no choice but to move it to the “Fuck Off” bin. This is an actual bin I keep in my garage where I store strangers who knock on my door, dogs that shit on my lawn, and onions. So, not only do we get “I’ll be back.”, we also get the same old characters, including new/old Arnie fighting old/new Arnie (that totally makes sense, read it again), a rehash of the T-1000 doing the exact same shit as the OG, the cheesy “Come with me if you want to live!” bullshit, and a flipping school bus. On a bridge.
I get it, everything I ever loved about the TERMINATOR movies is in there. Had they included a scene where Arnie reloads a shotgun with one hand while giving a thumbs up with the other we might be able to consider this two-and-a-half minute clip a legitimate remake of all four films. I didn’t need or want to see any of this shit. Tell Khaleesi to relax and try showing less naked dudes. At this point I need one of those books “TERMINATOR Movies For Dummies” to get my head straight with this ridiculous timeline. John Conner has literally been played by five different actors after this (including the TV show) and we still have to see Arnold every five fucking minutes? Move on.
TOY STORY THAT TIME FORGOT
This isn’t a review or one of those “Pixar rules the universe” articles I’ve been known for over the years. I have a legit question – Why does Bonnie hate Hamm and Slinky Dog? This was my thought process as I started watching the latest offering on ABC this past Tuesday. Then I started to hate Bonnie. This little bitch shelved, or threw out, or melted in a late night ritual under the cover of her shitty pillow fort, Hamm and Slink. What the fuck? Then I got deeper and more realistic. Who the hell plays with a piggy bank? Do you realize how un-fun that is? And how has Slinky Dog lasted this long without getting mangled? I’ve had a dozen or so Slinkys in my day (yes, I’m old as shit) and none of them lasted longer than a week. One trip down the stairs and then all hell breaks loose. The coils are are stretched and bent out of place. They get tangled and form some sort of unbreakable razor-wire knot and you end up throwing it away because you don’t care. Is this Slinky’s fate? Bonnie is not Andy, and she apparently doesn’t give a fuck. You’re not pulling your weight around the playroom you just might get dismissed. Watch yo’ ass Potato Head.
Johnny
December 5, 2014 @ 9:36 am
I’m actually looking forward to Genisys. It cant be as bad as T3.
Bob Simms
December 5, 2014 @ 10:33 am
I am cautiously optimistic about T5, as they appear to be treading on STAR TREK / DAYS OF FUTURE PAST territory by, essentially, dismissing and rewriting the history of the franchise that has come before it. Except I love the franchise (1 & 2, anyway), so I’m kind of mad at it for basically saying that none of that shit really happened. Goddamnit.
But then I realized that T2 was, more or less, a remake/reboot of T1 with those cheesy lines we love so well popping up once again, similar sequences and plot points, etc… So maybe it’ll be good? From the writer of DRIVE ANGRY and director of THOR 2… I dunno, the potential is there to either be totally awesome… or totally stupid.
MovieFreak4702
December 5, 2014 @ 10:59 pm
I fucking LOATHE the fucking shit out of this Terminator trailer. You wanna talk about nonsensical time travel plots? At this point, that whole series needs to check it’s shit. More than 50% of what’s out there with the brand name Terminator on it is complete and utter horseshit, this movie will follow suit. Why the fuck does every Terminator film revolve around the same two characters! Why not examine the idea that by sending Terminators into the past and trying to stop shit from happening, they’re just continuing the cycle of it always having had to happen! Try something different! Fuck the time travel, it’s done. Move the fuck on, as Law said. Let’s write something that actually makes a modern audience give a FUCK about the world of the Terminator. You know what’s cool as fuck? Those exo-skeleton Terminators! There should be an all out war with John Connor of the future vs. the machines, just without the bullshit Salvation tried to pull. Salvation wasn’t dire enough and had a shit director, but the themes could have worked under the right conditions. It’s time to stop this bullshit, especially in comparison to the new Star Wars trailer, which looks to actually innovate and give us something fresh and new, this is trying to rely on remaking shit that didn’t need remaking. Do we really need to have a bullshit version of Robert Patrick in this movie, just so the filmmakers can say “Yeah, we did it OUR way!” Fuck this movie I’m protesting this shit starting now.