Jack Attack Tuesday

10/21/14

The Worst Movies Ever Made

I don’t make any reservations about the fact that there are some movies that I fucking HATE.  Admittedly, there haven’t been many that have brought me to a true level of nerd-rage, but below you’ll find a list of 10 such films.  Do they suck?  Maybe, maybe not in some cases, but I can tell you they can squarely go fuck themselves.

10. No Country For Old Men

See, here’s my thing with No Country For Old Men; I read the book.  For me, this movie doesn’t do the book justice AT ALL.  I remember seeing this in the theater, before reading the novel, and not even realizing that ***SPOILERS*** Llewelyn was killed at the motel.  I’m a huge Coen brothers fan but here the filmmaking style is so passive and indirect that, to me, it was unclear on a first watch just what was going on.  I also didn’t appreciate the downbeat ending.  This is probably the film on this list that I still have some respect for, just because I can recognize some great sequences and moments in the film, but overall I think this was a really misguided adaptation.

9. 30 Days of NightI remember seeing this in the theater one night as part of a special double-feature some of my buddies were putting on at the local theater they all worked at.  This movie had a lot going for it; based on a decent graphic novel, the trailer used a kickass Muse song, and Ben Foster looked like a boss.  What we got out of this was, in my mind, the most nonsensical vampire movie ever made.  When the solution to the problem involves your lead character turning into a vampire by INJECTING VAMPIRIC BLOOD INTO THEIR BODY, you have a serious plot issue.  Disappointing in every way.

8. The Boondock Saints

If my time in film school taught me one thing, it was that most pretentious douchebags using a film major as an easy way to sleepwalk through a curriculum all had the same three movies as their favorites.  Those movies were Requiem for a Dream (great movie), Donnie Darko (a good movie when you’re in middle school) and The Boondock Saints.  Boondock, to me, is what’s wrong with action movies.  First of all, the device where we see every action scene as a flashback gets old fast.  Secondly, the editing style with the cutaways and fades to black all over the place are just as grating.  Couple that with the fact that director Troy Duffy has an entire documentary exposing what a dick he is and I can’t get behind this shit.  Never been a fan, don’t see that changing any time soon.

7.  Once Upon a Time in Mexico

When I was younger, I worshipped Robert Rodriguez for Desperado and Sin City.  By that token, I remember grabbing the DVD for Once Upon a Time in Mexico and thinking “Rodriguez + Johnny Depp + Maximum Awesome Times”.  What I got, instead, was almost two hours of utter confusion.  I don’t know if maybe I missed the memo on what the fuck is happening in this movie, but please, someone, explain to me what the hell is going on in this movie.  As far as I’m concerned, Johnny Depp is some sort of crooked US Marshall (or something), El Mariachi’s wife died and he’s just roaming around trying to not get killed, and a bunch of action happens.  Seriously, someone send me a plot synopsis, 11 years later and I’m still fucking confused.

6. Watchmen

Watchmen is my favorite book of all time.  I read it at least once a year and I absolutely adore it more and more each time I read it, so it makes me really sad that the movie version mucked things up so horribly.  I’ve said my piece about Zack Snyder here before, but god DAMN it did he fuck this up.  Rorschach is missing key character building scenes, the inclusion of Dr. Manhattan being a nuclear bomb instead of the squid…I mean the entire squid thing was KEY TO THE POINT OF MOORE’S NOVEL, AND THE POINT OF THE STORY AS A WHOLE.  The fact that Moore sees art as the first casualty of society and government in his novel, and then that the most outlandish of his ideas got scrapped in the finished film speaks to how prophetic his work actually was.  Fuck this movie.

5. Christmas With The Kranks

A few years back, my dad was having a shitty Christmas day, so we all went to see this movie in the theater.  That marks the last time I was dragged to a movie I knew I’d hate by ANYONE.  I, to this day, am shocked I didn’t revolt and emancipate myself that day.  You wanna talk about genuine, unadulterated dad movies?  This is one of em, and a supremely shitty one at that.  Never again.

4. Crash

Crash came along as I was just learning about films and cinema, having just experienced Pulp Fiction for the first time months earlier.  On my first viewing, I saw Crash as an interesting a fresh experience, because I was relatively unschooled in the ways of film.  I must have revisited the film a good five years after I had seen it the first time, and my god, what a piece of shit.  They should have subtitled this “”Everyone Is Racist”, with an accompanying song to the tune of “Everything is Awesome”.  Totally would have fit and I probably would have liked the movie more.

3. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Looking back, I should have known.  There was no way The Hobbit movies were ever going to work, and they didn’t.  The LOTR trilogy still rank as some of my all time favorite movies, and the trailers for the first entry in overblown/overlong Hobbit trilogy played on those films.  I remember sitting in the theater, seeing Bilbo and Frodo again at Bag End and being led back into Middle-Earth.  I thought things couldn’t be more perfect.  Unfortunately, the movie takes a nose-dive immediately following these scenes, as once we see the Dwarves and they’re all comedic relief, we know that this movie is a cash-grab.  In the same way Lucas watered down his prequels, Jackson did the same.  I will not watch parts two or three because of how bad this one was.

2. The Godfather Part 3

I don’t know of two movies that complement each other better than The Godfather Parts I and II.  Part III is another cash grab, made at a time when Coppola didn’t have any other viable ideas or films, solely for the purpose of rekindling the love people had for the original two films and crapping out a conclusion to the story.  Guess what: the story is TEN TIMES BETTER when it ends with Michael, at the end of part 2, living out his guilt.  George Hamilton to replace Robert Duvall?  No.  This would be my least favorite movie of all time, if it weren’t for another, special piece of shit called…

1. The Sound of Music

Growing up around my Italian relatives, for whatever reason, this movie was on at most family functions, parties, special occasions and holidays.  Nothing anyone can say will ever prove to me that this flick is anything more than bullshit, plain and simple.  You know what the worst part is, though?  I know every scene.  I know all the songs.  I’m Liesel.  Fuck this movie.

That’s it for this week.  Bit of a departure from my other articles, but let me know what you think!  Stay tuned for more podcasts and blogs, and as always, Binge On!