Bob’s Thirsty Thursdays: Amazon Prime Has Killed the Internet

This may be the most ridiculous post I’ve ever put together, but that doesn’t make it any less true. And by true, I mean this is my honest-to-Pete opinion on the subject of Amazon Prime’s shipping  being so awesome that it ruins all other shipping options, ever. So what the hell am I raving about? I love Amazon.com, so of course I’m a Prime member, because the $89 yearly fees is totally paid for during the holiday season. Prime means Free Shipping and who doesn’t love Free Shipping, right? Not only is it free, but it’s fast, too. Shipping time is like 2 days, no matter what. Seriously, it’s so awesome that it’s impossible not to be a Prime Member. So what the hell do I have to complain about? Everyone else.

Amazon Prime, by ways of doing the greatest thing possible, has simultaneously destroyed ordering anything else via the Internet, probably for the rest of time. Ordering anything online costs money and takes anywhere between 5-7 business days  to ship. Yes, not only is it more expensive than ordering off of Amazon, but it takes longer too. Costing money to ship things within a week is reasonable, but because of Amazon and their supberb Amazon Prime service (they even ship on Sundays now, too!), it feels like a rip-off and thus I have become an impatient asshole because other online retailers are taking standard time and charging me standard shipping. Why am I so angry???

This is why: I ordered something via an online retailer (not Amazon) last Tuesday. They weren’t able to fulfill the order until Wednesday, and UPS didn’t pick it up from their facilities until Thursday. See, if it were Amazon, I’d have my product before it even had a chance to leave the wharehouse! Ok, so now it’s been shipped… and here’s the bitch of it all… it costs me $10 and change to have it shipped, only then when it’s been shipped that I find out it’s not scheduled to arrive until the following Thursday. Yes, a flippin’ full week from the time it shipped from the facility, and a total of 9 full days from the point when I placed the order. God damn it!

NOW I AM YELLING MAD! It cost me $10 to have next week shipping. That’s some flippin’ bullshit, yo! And while I should be mad at the place where I ordered, I find myself seething towards my good people at Amazon Prime for setting such a high bar and thus, shooting my expectations towards a height is not realistically obtainable. Why must you be so fucking awesome, Amazon Prime? You are making everyone else on the Internet look like a bunch of assholes! Again…. WHY AM I SO ANGRY???

Fall TV is in full swing, I’m loving Sons of Anarchy, mostly enjoyed AHS: Freakshow (though I hope it picks up its pace), and was surprised as shit at how awesome The Walking Dead was in its premiere episode–not sure they can sustain the level of greatness here, but I’ll take it! I’m just stoked The Strain is over. Oddly enough, I’m reading Bram Stoker’s Dracula and the similarities between the two are astronomical. Replace Walder Frey with Van Helsing, The Master with Count Dracula, and Eph with Doctor Seward, and it’s pretty much the same damn story. Which, in turn, makes The Strain that much worse.

Ok ya’ll, only a few more days left to enter the Halloween Blu-ray Bundle Contest (final entries accepted until 9pmPST Saturday night). Along with email and Facebook, entries can also be made via Instagram… just tag me in your post so I can see it and you’re in! I’m TheChampagneOfBeers (of course I am). Also, while you’re at it, enter the Sons of Anarchy / Abel Teller Impersonator Contest because who doesn’t want an SOA beanie? Do it!