As I get ready for another adventure in Chicagoland I find myself in too good of a mood to bitch about anything this week. Instead I will play Marry, Fuck, Kill with all the Summer television shows I’ve been keeping up with. If you don’t know the rules – I am forced (by myself) to choose three characters from each show. The one I’d marry, the one I’d bang the wholly hell out of, and the one I’d end. That’s it. Keep an eye out for me if you’re in Chicago this weekend. I’ll be the tall handsome mess of a human being yelling about nothing.

THE STRAIN

MARRY: Dr. Nora Martinez. She has a good job, looks tight in her virus gear, and seems like a good family oriented woman. That said, her whore of a mother must go.

FUCK: Kelly Goodweather. She hasn’t had good luck with men lately and needs some good loving. There’s no doubt in my mind that she dumped Eph because of his stupid hair. I have no hair. Let’s bang.

KILL: Joan Luss. She was a cunty lawyer before she became infected. Now she’s all balding and shooting her lethal mouth penis around. Hand me my sword. As Setrakian would say….”Sleashjxsfilemnicn skzllhkxzjv lklxxsl;sk”. Head lopped off.

RECTIFY

MARRY: Amantha Holden. This is my type of woman. Pissed off, mouthy, and determined to keep the men in her life off death row.

FUCK: Tawney Talbot. A little too Jesusy for me to spend more than a few minutes in her company. Good thing that’s all I’ll need. Booyah!

KILL: Janet Talbot. There’s only three recurring female roles on this show so the old chick gets the short end. Sorry you’re old or whatever.

TYRANT

MARRY:  Nusrat Al-Fayeed. And let me point out that at OUR wedding, my dad wouldn’t violate her in the bathroom. I hope.

FUCK: Leila Al-Fayeed. This woman is almost too hot for television. I seriously lose track of whatever the hell is going on when she has a scene. She scares the shit out of me though. I’d have to get in and out quick before she realized I’m not just as much of an asshole as her husband with less than 1/1000000000 of the money.

KILL: Jenna Olson. Because I still have no idea why she’s on the show. Was it just to screw up the plan for the whole family to get away on the plane before massive amounts of shit exploded into the fan? Something tells me this entry is more of a prediction than anything else.

RAY DONOVAN

MARRY: Deb. If she can handle the shit Ezra puts her through and still manage to take care of his sorry ass, than she’s the woman for me. I have issues, deal with them for me. And make me a sandwich. She loves it, look at her celebrating below.  Also, Pet Sematary.

FUCK: Ashley Rucker. She just shows up once in a while to bang Ray so why can’t I have the same deal? And she seems crazy. And she has a stalker. I don’t like competition.

KILL: Abby Donovan. Great character but she sure does seem like a thorn in the side. Maybe I want to bang some broads, hide some bodies, and kill some priests on the weekends. Get off my back about it. Look at her stupid judgey face.

THE LEFTOVERS

MARRY: Nora Durst. She just lost her whole family in one millisecond. Something tells me she’s gonna try really hard the next time to not screw things up. I’d just keep yelling “Do you want me to disappear too?!” every time she doesn’t give me sexy time. Look how sad she is.

FUCK: Aimee. Just to get her out of my house. This chick just moved herself in and started wearing panties around all day. It’s not my fault my dick fell in her. This is exactly what I’d tell the authorities.

KILL: Laurie Garvey. I’ve never been so certain of anything in my life. I want her to die every second she’s on screen anyway so why would things  change here. I’m pretty sure the whole reason I wrote this article was to rant about this bitch. Hate her stupid nonsensical cult, hate her concerned look as she stuffs another cigarette in her asshole face, hate her. Hate her.

See you next week. If I’m alive.