The Worst Double Feature Ever

Earlier this year I wrote an article about the 6 movies I was not looking forward to during the forthcoming Summer season. As luck would have it, two of these films fell into my lap this past week. I watched them back-to-back during a shift at the minivan plant of which I work. They were viewed on a 17″ Acer laptop propped underneath a spare battery shelf, hidden from my supervisors by my hoodie and their incredible lack of effort at their job. None of these details are even remotely important. Anyhoo, I wrote this immediately afterward. Rarely am I so inspired.

Holy fuck. GROWN UPS 2 and THE INTERNSHIP are horrible movies, each in their own way, but together they’re game-changing. This is coming from a guy that has powered through the entire SLEEPAWAY CAMP boxed-set in one night and didn’t mentioned it to anybody. This double-feature, however, is a tale that needs to be told. So let’s tell it.

GROWN UPS 2

Less than two minutes into this “film” there’s a deer pissing in the face of Adam Sandler. Shortly after that, Salma Hayek’s character stumbles upon her son jerking off in the shower (while also being pissed on by a deer) and Kevin James character introduces us to his special ability of burping, sneezing, and farting at the same time. I consider these three moments, not only the foundation of this film, but a virtual flashcard as to what Mr. Sandler has left to offer the world of comedy. I’m a big fan of farts (can’t believe I finally got to write that sentence) and there was a time I was convinced any and all flatulence would be welcome in my comedic endeavors. Times have changed.

Farts are just one of many fond memories Sandler has ruined for me during his recent run of garbage. Salma Hayek’s breasts are another. Adding her to his posse has somehow made her more forgettable. In reality, the woman is as hot as ever, completely defiant in the face of the ageing process. In a Adam Sandler movie she’s lost between forced one-liners from David Spade and Colin Quinn. It’s like staring at a quadruple rainbow while eating maggots.

I won’t pretend I didn’t laugh at all during this film (mostly at Nick Swardson) but 98% of the humor here is completely lost on me. It’s pathetic sight gags and cliche settings are only highlighted by the predictability of it’s useless plot.

THE INTERNSHIP

I’m not positive but it’s possible that, in 20 years from now, this might be considered one of the worst films ever made. The time-stamp, so ridiculously fused to the very existence of this film, will make it unbearable to watch for future generations. Shit, I’m pretty sure this generation could barely get through it. Following the plot of every 80s movie ever made, The Google Movie does itself no favors by having no idea who their target audience is supposed to be. The overall message of the film lends itself towards the older viewer, like my dad, who hates the digital age as much as he hates wearing shorts. Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson play oldtimers that would rather talk shit out than text/email/chat/or anything else relying on a computer device. Yet the movie is literally overflowing with references from STAR WARS, HARRY POTTER, GAME OF THRONES, and other such shit my dad would never clue in on. I’m not sure whether the film wants to portray technology as a good thing or not, and half-an-hour in I couldn’t care less.

Hey look – an Asian guy that has an overbearing mother and no social skills. An incredibly hot black woman that hasn’t had sex. A uber-geek that tries too hard to fit in. A moody cool kid that would rather bury his face into his phone than look up and live life to it’s fullest. All cliche. All crap. While, as I mentioned before, the movie tries little to differ from anything we’ve seen in the 80s, the closest film I came up with while watching was SUMMER SCHOOL. Older gentleman comes in to help the younger folk straighten up their lives in curious and inventive ways. Minus the humor, great characters, solid lead, and believable relationships SUMMER SCHOOL had to offer, THE INTERNSHIP tries it’s best to recreate the experience. And fails.

There’s really no way to avoid the stupidity spectrum when watching these two films together. One is the lowest form of cheap laughs and the other tries to be quirky and intelligent while constantly insulting the audience. We get it, he says “on the line” instead of “online”. Do we really need a six minute scene about it?

I’ll probably never get to randomly experience something so awful again so I just wanted to make note of it all. People need to realize how disgraceful these two films really are. Don’t settle for this shit anymore.

Grown Ups 2: 1/10

The Internship: 2/10