Why This Sucks: Star Trek: Into Darkness
Why This Sucks: Star Trek: Into Darkness
By Jack Falvey IV
I will preface this by saying that while I’m not a full blown Trekkie by any means, I have seen the entire original trilogy, all of the films and much of the Next Generation, so I am more of a Trek journeyman than anything else. Ask me to recite a sentence in Klingon and you’ve lost me, but if you were to ask if David Warner appeared in any of the flicks, I’d be able to answer correctly (two flicks as two different characters, bitch).
I was hoping Into Darkness would be a strong entry into the franchise. The trailers, posters and TV spots made it look like a worthy, stalwart follow-up to the, in my opinion, magnificently constructed reboot. That film did a notable job of taking elements that were canon to the universe as a whole and reconstructing the parameters of what we knew about these classic characters, creating a fresh spin on Kirk, Spock and the rest of the crew that did not feel like a retread of what came before it. You could argue that Eric Bana’s villain was headstrong and underwritten, but since he wasn’t the focus that doesn’t bother me. All these elements make it that much more disappointing that Into Darkness not only keeps a pain-by-numbers approach to the plot but also simultaneously shits in the mouth of Gene Roddenberry’s ghost.
The film starts off with a technically impressive chase through the woods and an Enterprise underwater. It was really interesting seeing that for the first time, and gave me hope that we truly were going where no man has gone before in this film. In fact, for the first half of the film I was mostly intrigued. Kirk seemed to be immature given his rank, and Cumberbatchs’ mysterious villain seemed pretty cool. That is, until, he mentioned that his name is “Khan”, a surprise that I had surmised before getting to the theater. Khan was a great Trek adversary in his original incarnation, but overall a shitty villain. Take Khan out of Trek and put him in any other situation and you have a pathetic, easily beaten old man. Ricardo Montalban is what makes Khan work. His delivery, persona and presence make Khan operatic, cheesy and schmaltzy, and Trek fans, myself included, love him for his campiness. Reinventing Khan is an intriguing idea, and I think for the most part Cumberbatch does a good job. However, it is his reveal in the film where the plot becomes a pandering, fan-servicing fuck up that flies in the face of everything that made The Wrath of Khan so great.
First of all, who the FUCK thought it was a good idea, after the reboot, to then “re-imagine” The Wrath of Khan. Now I know what people will say, “This is a new timeline/Khan is different”. That is bullshit. This film is clearly trying to milk every drop of milk from the teat that is Star Trek II, inserting lines from that film and lifting a third act plot point DIRECTLY from that older, stronger film, but more on that later. The problems with this film stem from what I believe to be a fundamental misinterpretation of the overall theme and point of Star Trek II, which is one of sacrifice. Spock, in Trek II, needs to sacrifice himself for the “good of the many”, a lesson of humility that is essential to his arc as a character. His loss, reflected onto Kirk and the rest of the crew, is arguably the most powerful Trek scene of all time and holds up today. In STID, switching the roles and making Kirk sacrifice himself, only to be revived by a FUCKING Tribble’s blood (FUCK Tribbles) mere minutes later is pedestrian writing. What is the FUCKING POINT of rehashing a beat from a previous film but taking away all the emotion? “Killing” Kirk was childish and stupid, and subconsciously something that absolutely no one believed would last. There’s no feeling behind the act, and it makes the film feel more polished and, ultimately, more bland.
I had other gripes with the film, particularly how it blatantly breaks Trek lore and clearly gives no fucks about doing it. First of all, the Enterprise hasn’t gone on their “Five-Year Mission”, meaning technically, they shouldn’t have found Khan yet. Now the film explains this, saying that because of the events of the first film Starfleet is exploring space at a rapid rate, searching for whatever they can, and that Khan’s ship was found floating out amongst the stars. However, how the FUCK is a Tribble in here if Kirk and the Enterprise haven’t found it yet? I know I’m harping on a small detail, but it shows that the filmmakers are only interested in connecting this film to everything that’s come before it with showy, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cameos that are contrived and meaningless in the grand perspective of the film. In Batman Begins, before Nolan planned out a second entry, the subtle hint of Victor Zsasz being in Arkham was effective and only there for the most ardent fans of the lore. Most people don’t even notice he shows up. His presence in the film is a nice easter-egg that doesn’t impact the pacing or tone of the film whatsoever. The reference exists in the film and needs no additional films or plot details to explain or justify its inclusion. By shoehorning in the Tribble-blood miracle cure in the third act, the filmmakers took an obvious reference and made it overtake the plot of the film. This is bullshit of the highest order. Geek culture films have risen above this pedestrian type of contrivance and don’t need these “Oh look at me!” moments in their films.
My last gripe is the climax of the film. There haven’t been many films that successfully allow their villain to live by the end and still be brought to a satisfying conclusion. The Empire Strikes Back, Kill Bill Volume I and The Dark Knight have done it well, but here it was such a resounding bit of hurried bullshit that I laughed the last ten minutes of the film off. By just freezing Khan mid-arc screams two things. The first of which is “We don’t know what to do with this character now”. The second is “He’d be great in the sequel!”. Neither of these sentiments have any business being in an entertaining film. I can’t articulate how upsetting it was to see them shelve Khan for Part 3.
Having Spock get into an emotional fistfight was, without question, probably the single silliest thing I’ve seen thus far in Trek lore. Spock is a character that has the ability to rise above his environment and keep a cool, calm demeanor. He is not a physically imposing adversary, although he can handle himself in a fight, very methodically. I hated that he just punched Khan really hard and managed to beat him, the Eugenics-infused demi-God of the old Earth. Stupid, stupid, fucking stupid.
All-in-all, Star Trek Into Darkness is easily the most potent misstep in the series as it tries to re-do what was done before it, failing miserably, and that is why Star Trek Into Darkness sucks!
steve wood
August 21, 2013 @ 10:29 pm
Always down for new content…this is awesome.
Jack Falvey
August 21, 2013 @ 10:42 pm
Hope everyone digs this. I missed a few things grammar-wise but I think whoever reads it will get the point.
Brian "cracker is an A hole" Kenny
August 22, 2013 @ 12:09 am
http://popwatch.ew.com/2013/08/12/breaking-bad-star-trek/
Jack Falvey
August 22, 2013 @ 11:07 am
Fuckin sweet
The Ragi
August 22, 2013 @ 5:53 pm
Haven’t seen it yet, don’t know if I ever will.
Probably.
Unkin Funcle
August 22, 2013 @ 10:01 pm
Roddenberry was one of Hollywood’s most prominent coprophiliacs.
floyd
August 23, 2013 @ 8:27 pm
I WILL FUCK YOU UP BROTHER
Mark Skinner
August 27, 2013 @ 6:33 pm
The main difference between J. J. Abrams and Leni Riefenstahl, is that the latter actually cared about her work.
The last two “Star Trek” movies are nothing but exploitation flicks – essentially porn versions without the sex. If all the actors had been constantly fornicating in the most degrading way imaginable, it would still have made for a more positive vision of the future.
It’s as if Abrams went and shat on Gene Roddenberry’s grave, then dug up the whole plot, and flogged it on eBay (for millions, to outraged Trekkies).
Fuck you Abrams, you cynical, nihilistic cuntstain.
SmackaNerd
September 14, 2013 @ 5:20 pm
Do people like yourself even think this stuff through before you spout on meaninglessly about it?? JJ Abrams and his crew reinventing Trek was the best thing that could have happened to a theatrically dead franchise. The fans DID NOT keep it alive…. They let it die in a pile of smoldering ashes that ended with nemesis, and that’s why the reboot was done. Reason being, to spark interest in a wider audience and hence keep it going. Sometimes, the collective nerd stupidity is just amazing to watch. While I realize your just a troll, you and your ilk should be thanking Abrams and crew for keeping the Roddenberry dream alive on the silver screen for the foreseeable future. The beauty of it is… the numbers just don’t back you up, and no amount of trolling will change it. 🙂