The Re-Visit: The Expendables 2

I have an extremely large hard-on for THE EXPENDABLES—always have, always will. After nearly a decade of not seeing my childhood heroes on the big screen (at least, consistently), here they were, larger than life, and all together in the same movie! It was a wet dream come true. Least to say I had an incredible amount of anticipation for last summer’s THE EXPENDABLES 2 (EX2). I was lucky enough to check it out a few weeks before it came out in theaters at a private screening, and being drunk off of hype and my own personal anticipation, I came out of the theater boasting about how freakin’ awesome EX2 was and how everyone should go see it. But after a day or so, the more I thought about the movie, the more I didn’t like it, and by the time people actually saw it and the reviews started flowing in, pointing out all the crap that I so drunkenly over-looked, I came to realize that I actually didn’t like EX2 as much as I thought I did. Boo.

When it came out on video, I just happened to get a free copy of it on Blu-ray, and happily stuck it next to my 2 copies of THE EXPENDABLES on my Blu-ray shelf (the theatrical cut and the Director’s Cut). Over 6 months went by and the damn thing was still in its original packaging, so last weekend I said fuck it, it’s time to revisit EX2… maybe it’s actually better than I had remembered it being. At this point, there were two kinds of reviews out for EX2: those who thought it was pure entertainment gold, and those who thought it was a piece of rhinoceros shit. I wanted to be in the boat of those who looked positively on it, but my one-time view was tainted and my memory told me, no… it was a piece of shit. So I gave it another try and the final verdict is in: EX2 is a steaming pile of donkey shit.

This fucking movie was even more painful and horrendous the second time around than I could have possibly imagined. It was horrible… from the piss-poor script, to the lazy action sequences, to the bogus one-liners, to the storyline that was shallow and empty, everything about EX2 sucked assholes, and thanks to my impulse to revisit the flick in hopes that I liked it more… now I actually hate it deeper than any other movie to have come out in 2012. Here are the specifics:

1. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Out of all the 80s action heroes out there, Arnold is my favorite. He is literally my childhood hero. I lived in California when he ran for Governor and I voted for him just because he was Arnold Schwarzenegger—yup, I’m that guy. I’ve missed seeing him fuck shit up on the big screen, and here he was in EX2, running around fucking shit up, and it should have been the greatest thing ever. Instead, this shit is just embarrassing to watch. Painful, even. The few lines he does have include “I’m back!”, “Yippie Kay Yay!”, “My shoe is bigger than this car!”, and “Who’s next, Rambo?”, and he’s the butt-end of a “I’ll Terminate you!” joke. Ha. Not funny. The action scenes he’s apart of are OK… it’s the dialog he’s given that makes the whole thing disgusting.

2. The Constant Back-and-Forth: All these guys ever do throughout the movie is bicker like a bunch of old ladies. Seriously, Randy Couture will say something, Terry Crewes will say something back. Dolph Lundgren will say something, Jet Li (briefly) will say something back. Jason Statham and Sylvester Stallone are the worst at it, as they can’t even talk to each other without ripping on each other. And let’s not even bring up Arnold and Bruce Willis. The asshole who wrote this should have been told that a group this size has to do more than just bicker. Some back-and-forth is ok (see: THE EXPENDABLES), constant back-and-forth is tiring. Enough!

3. Chuck Norris: Why are you even in this movie? You show up as “the Lone Wolf”, you’re theme song is from a Clint Eastwood western, you tell a silly “Chuck Norris Facts” joke (about yourself), and you shoot a lot of people. You never kick anybody’s ass the way Chuck Norris should (it’s why Chuck Norris is famous to begin with, yo!), your hair and your beard are both badly dyed, and let’s face it…. you’re a shitty actor. But mostly, you have no right or reason being in this movie.

Goddamnit, the more I think about it, the more it’s apparent how horrible this movie is. On the one hand, it’s cool seeing my childhood heroes all on the big screen together at long last, on the other hand, it’s downright embarrassing to see how old these guys are parading around spouting off lines from movies 25 years ago that made them famous to begin with. There’s no nostalgia at work in EX2, just a bunch of non-sequential dialog strung together and puked out for all to hear about great action heroes of yesteryear. At least THE EXPENDABLES didn’t feature a bunch of crappy one-liners like they do in EX2, and when they did, they were original… they weren’t just rehashes from other movies.

At the end of the day, I came to realize that EX2 is a steaming pile of donkey shit, and that I was a fucking asshole for loving it when I saw it in theaters. The thought that some people went out and paid money to see this flick based on a Tweet or a Facebook post that I may have put out there boasting about EX2’s awesomeness makes me sick to my stomach. Oh the humanity, what have I done??? Never again… never again.

The Good Stuff: I’d be a liar if I didn’t find a few things good about this movie, and here they are:

1. Liam Hemsworth. The dude was a better actor than anyone else in the movie. And that makes me sick to even acknowledge. Fuck… this isn’t a good point, this is a bad one!

2. The Stallone vs. Jean-Claude Van Damme fight was decent, though… come on. JCVD would have totally won that shit.

3. The Statham vs. Scott Adkins fight was pretty awesome. It could have been longer, and it screamed Indiana Jones, but in a sea of complete garbage, it was the only real silver lining.

And that’s about it. Goddamnit.

Grade: D-

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