6 Summer Movies I’m Not Looking Forward To – Law
Yesterday, Moreno gave you his most anticipated of the year. I wanted to do the same but, as you might expect, I would have been writing about all of the same movies. Made no sense. So I took another look through the Summer’s release dates and picked out a few that spark little-to-no interest in me. Why? Because I’m an asshole. Where? Right here, dummy. Look down.
I don’t fault Adam Sandler for making shit like this. Imagine you could just round up all your best buds, film yourselves while you do moderately funny things, and have people pay $10 a pop to watch. Throw in the fact that you get to stare at Slama Hayek’s boobs and Maria Bello’s everything all day and you’ve got yourself the best job ever. Still, none of this applies to me, so fuck off.
How is this not the sequel to WEDDING CRASHERS? It might have interested me then. Might have. Instead we get two forty-something salesmen acting like they’re old school stubborn war veterans being forced to deal with the real world. And I’m sick of being told how awesome it is to work for Google. We get it – they have a ping pong table and everybody gets a pet jack-a-lope that poops jelly beans. Here’s what I need at my job: 1. My Phone and 2. A Shitter. I’ll do my job. You pay me.
As mediocre as CARS was and as horrible as CARS 2 was, no other Pixar films make close to as much in merchandising. That’s why PLANES just feels dirty to me. First of all it’s NOT a Pixar film, but all you have to do is look at the animation and the film’s logo to realize what they’re trying to do. It’s officially declared itself a spin-off of CARS and even got John Lasseter to produce. All of this bullshit is one giant money grab. Nobody wants this movie. When my kids ask to go see it they’re dead.
This is only because I’ve read the book. It would have looked kind of cool otherwise. I mean, Brad Pitt in a zombie movie? I’m pretty sure that was written on one of my old “viewing bucket-lists”. However, the book tells tales of horrifying situations, moral dilemmas, incredible courage, and true sadness while the movie looks like a computer generated cluster fuck. It’s all shaky-cam, running, screaming, and Lego-zombies building the best human pyramids I have ever seen. I always loved Max Brooks’ novel because it was clear he wasn’t just writing it to get a movie deal. Then this.
5. One Direction: This Is Us – Aug 30
Yikes. I went to research when this was coming out and happened to notice that Morgan Spurlock is directing it. Then I started think it was the theatrical version of his old TV show, 30 Days, and it’d all be a challenge to see how long he can watch them perform before he saws his own ears off with a butter knife. You know that would be a better movie. If my kids ask to go see this they really are dead. Super dead.
Director, Gore Verbinski, really hit a home run for me with RANGO. It was refreshing to see him do something different. Here it looks like it’s back to old habits. Johnny Depp? Check. Johnny Depp as a quirky hero? Check. Handsome leading man that will be forgotten about every time the quirky Johnny Depp character come on screen? Check. Look, it’s basically PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN in the old west. I got tired of them a couple seconds into the first sequel. I’m tired of this one already.
[fblike]
Alex
May 7, 2013 @ 6:20 pm
I want to see ALL of these movies. Except Grown-Ups 2. Gross.
Jim Law
May 7, 2013 @ 6:23 pm
You would, Mr. Grossbarfypants.
Nick Fortuna
May 7, 2013 @ 6:29 pm
I’m going to see World War Z just to see how badly they fuck it up…while I loved the book, this flick looks like someone saw the great reviews, bought the rights, and just decided to slap the name on an action movie that happens to have zombies in it.
MovieFreak
May 7, 2013 @ 7:08 pm
I was 13 when the first Pirates came out, so for me that flick is very much in line with how some people refer to Raiders when they saw it as a kid. That being said, the sequels suck donkey cock, ESPECIALLY the fourth abomination. However, I’m curious about The Lone Ranger. Definitely on the short list for a bargain matinee show. Fuck the other flicks they can all go die.
Floyd
May 7, 2013 @ 7:52 pm
who lot of bleh going on
Floyd
May 7, 2013 @ 7:54 pm
whole, ass
Dexter
May 7, 2013 @ 8:30 pm
Can’t shake how much WWZ’s creature hoardes evoke I Am Legend’s poor CGI vampire/zombies/angry rage infected things. Its a real shame. The movie certainly has the potential to be a slam dunk summer flick. Really hope Planes crashes and burns too. Would like to see Monsters U pummel it in the box office.
elmariachi
May 7, 2013 @ 9:18 pm
I’m pretty much with you on all these and sadly Lone Ranger looks like it might have been alright too and hell it might actually end up being alright but visually it DOES indeed look like Pirates in the old west especially with Depp doing his silly facial expressions which I’m surprised to say I’ve grown bored of.
Also throw in the fact that cowboys vs aliens bored the crap outta me a few years ago and as much as I love a western this just has everything working against it for me.
But think about it… Imagine a straight up western with army hammer or whatever his name is, depp, tom wilkinson directed by gore… that shit sounds like it SHOULD be badass.
alas, we shall see.
Jim Law
May 7, 2013 @ 11:07 pm
Army Hammer. Awesome.
elmariachi
May 9, 2013 @ 1:43 am
ha. he should have just changed the spelling of his name to that anyways.
D_Luis
May 7, 2013 @ 10:32 pm
Law, how could you hate Lone Ranger? It stars Armie Hammer! You can’t get a name more masculine than that.
art13
May 7, 2013 @ 11:05 pm
I agree with most of the list but am willing to give WWZ a chance, since the book was so good.
jekupka
May 7, 2013 @ 11:32 pm
LET ME TELL YOU HOW SWEET IT IS TO READ A JIM LAW “TOP” LIST!!! Good to see your boys on your feet and doing something for the movie fans getting bombarded with ‘news’. It’s that old school neighborhood video store popping right back in a new spot and bringing it! But seriously now, good list and love the look of the site. Now get your ass to Chicago so we can get all shitty. I’ve been practicing.
ocelot_snake
May 8, 2013 @ 1:13 am
Ranger is the one on this list Id consider seeing.
Mac136187
May 8, 2013 @ 4:42 am
From this list, nothin except for sure World War Z.
Grown Up2 maybe if a broad drags me to see,
Cristian
May 8, 2013 @ 2:26 pm
I’ll be checking out WWZ for sure, haven’t read the book and love what I’m seeing so far. Everything else looks like garbage indeed.
Blizzo
May 9, 2013 @ 1:22 am
WWZ and Lone Ranger are the only ones I’d consider seeing…actually Lone Ranger I’ll check out for sure. The others, hell no.
Digitaldraft
May 10, 2013 @ 4:43 am
World War Z is the only movie that I’m interested in seeing even though it has nothing to do with the book, which is bull. Everything else looks like shit specially Lone Ranger fuck Johnny Depp
YoshioKun13
May 11, 2013 @ 10:37 pm
THE INTERNSHIP looks horrrrrrrrrrrible.
It’s like if they turned THE SOCIAL NETWORK into a comedy rather than a drama, but instead of Facebook it’s Google.